Deviation Actions
Literature Text
The Adventures of Eggman
(Transcending History and the World, a tale must be told... a tale of hilarity, hedgehogs, action, egg-shaped men, laziness, cursing, an under-lying plot, crossovers, and absurd battles for the sake of comedic timing and greatness! This is the tale of... The Cronies...)
(Archives of the Past, return to this present day, so that future generations may learn how to love, and laugh, and poke fun once more!! To present yourself in your true form, unlike the mandatory prose that some like Fan-f'ing-fiction.net would impose on you! Be brought to life once more, with a shiny updated layout and slightly less cursing than before!!)
FANFIC RESURRECTION!!
================================_=======================================
A triple team production by:
THE TRIPLE PEEPS
Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)
Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"
Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)
DISCLAIMER:
Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Clamp, Nelvana, Namco, Koshi Rikdo, Capcom, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.
Originally released: 5/9/2006
==================================================
The Adventures of Eggman
OMAKE (A.K.A. the crap we couldn't fit into the other chapters!) PART 2
"The Lost Levels! What's With All the Molesting!? Wall Breaking?"
==================================================
GOSH-DANG IT! So fat that we had to break it down into two parts! And now... let us carry on!
==================================================
[More guests in the restaurant! The magnanimous Bonkuras/Knuckleheads enter. Don't ask how they managed to get across the ocean so easily.]
TOMO
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, MY NEW NEMESIS!
SONIC
...What did Eggman tell you?
[She stands on a wobbly table.]
TOMO
MY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT IS TO CAPTURE YOU AND PROVE MYSELF TO THE FAT MAN! NOW, GET IN THAT CAGE!!!
[She points to a convenient hedgehog-sized cage. Sonic says nothing for a moment, then starts laughing uncontrollably. He falls to the ground, holding his sides, laughing his head off. As he continues laughing, Tomo quickly ties a rope around his ankles and starts pulling him. He realizes what's going on, spin dashes, shredding the rope and flinging Tomo across the room.]
SONIC
You know, that was the most... original kidnapping attempt I've ever been involved in.
KAGURA
Ignore the idiot. We're looking for a table for three--OH MY GOD!!! Are you the legendary Shadow the Hedgehog!?
[Shadow smirks at the teen fawning over him.]
SHADOW
The one and only, m' dear!
TOMO
YOUR GAME SUCKED!
SHADOW
Ugh, yeah, the gameplay and camera work should've been eight times better. And what was up with that story?
[Kagura looks all hopeful.]
KAGURA
Will you sign my shirt, Mr. Shadow?
[Shadow pulls a felt out of nowhere, and starts signing the shirt near the waist, because he's a gentleman, and not a pervert.]
SHADOW
Hmmm... I have shirts. This is news! And... there you go!
[Kagura bows respectfully, then reads what Shadow wrote.]
KAGURA
"Have fun, kill all humans. Shadow. <3" Thank you so much! This is awesome!
[Osaka slumps as her stomach growls.]
OSAKA
I'm so hungry! I can't believe I forgot my lunch today! Say, speaking of which, I bring you...
[NON-SEQUITIR TIME!]
OSAKA
Grains of Truth! Did you know that rice is the most popular grain in the world?
TAILS
...Well, yeah, that makes sense--
KNUCKLES
That's not the "Grains of Truth!" That's the Truth about Grains!
[Osaka beams positively that someone finally got it.]
OSAKA
Yaaaaay!! Give me five, brother!
[Knuckles and Osaka are about to high five... but then they miss and slap each other's faces. They're clutching their faces, whining about. Tails is with disbelief.]
TAILS
...Oh my god, there's two of them.
[Sonic helps Tomo up to her feet.]
SONIC
Okay, little girl, tell you what; I'll get inside that cage if you can prove it's bigger than me!
TOMO
You silly rodent! I'm bigger than you are, and the cage can house me! Observe!
[Tomo crawls into the cage. Sonic promptly closes it behind her. She starts shaking the cage in panic.]
TOMO
HEY! THIS ISN'T FAIR! LET ME OUT LET ME OUT LET ME OUT!
[Tails observes the trapped girl.]
TAILS
I assume this is going to entertain you for the day.
SONIC
Oh yeah, baby! It will!
[Sonic peers inside now.]
SONIC
Okay, Tomo, I'll let you out AND get into the cage if you can out-run me to the pier!
[She looks all sad.]
TOMO
Can I get out first?
[Sonic breaks the cage with his trademark spinning jump. All excited again, she stands up like a spaztic Phoenix.]
TOMO
OH YEAH, TOMO'S FREE! AND... GO!
[Tomo runs out the door, nearly tripping. Sonic sits at a table, relaxed.]
TAILS
You're going to embarrass that poor brainwashed girl by beating her there in the last few seconds, aren't you?
KAGURA
Mr. Shadow, could you sign my other shirt? To Kagura, please.
SHADOW
Of course! Always happy to oblige.
[He signs "Dearest Kagura, don't telephone the mayor. Love, Shadow."]
--
[Amy enters.]
AMY
Hey bitches.
TAILS
That was unusually crude of you Amy.
AMY
Yeah, well, fuck you too. I managed to ditch Chris over at Jam's place.
[Sonic, still relaxing, then realizes what Amy said.]
SONIC
You did NOT just say that.
AMY
Yeah. Why?
[Sonic stands up and puts his hands on Amy's shoulders.]
SONIC
Amy, Jam likes pretty, young boys.
AMY
Uh-huh... and?
SONIC
Let me rephrase that: Jam REALLY LOVES pretty, young BOYS.
[Amy shakes her head.]
AMY
Still not following you.
SONIC
Oh for the love of--Think of Jam as you, and Chris as me.
[Amy blushes for a moment, lost in a perverted kind of dreamland, but then that dreamland takes too much of a turn to the perverted--]
AMY
OH MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE!?
SONIC
Hmm, this is gonna be tight. I gotta get to Jam's before Chris's innocence is robbed from him, and then beat Tomo to the pier. This is gonna be FUN!
[He takes off in a blue blur.]
KAGURA
...Cooooool. Can I live here?
SHADOW
Not in this crap-hole, you're not.
==================================================
COMMERCIAL
[Eggman, in a top hat, bow tie, sweat pants, and no shirt, faces the camera.]
EGGMAN
Greetings, good people! I usually have a bunch of crap to say right about now, but nothing can prepare you for my next product: Eggman Tampons!--
[Sonic JUMP-KICKS Eggman square in the face.]
SONIC
I already got a lot of crap to do, right now! So don't even think about it!
[He's right up to the camera.]
SONIC
People of the world, TURN TO ANOTHER CHANNEL! DO NOT WATCH THIS COMMERCIAL!!!
[Meanwhile, in Japan...]
AKIRA
That mean Sonic's interrupting Eggman's newest, latest, and surely greatest product!
DAIGO
Yes. Yes he is. And I, for one, praise him for it.
AKIRA
But... But I need a new brand--
[Daigo plugs his ears.]
DAIGO
I'M NOT LISTENING LA LA LA!!! ......Wait, wait... Wait a minute, wait a minute... You can only use those after you've had sex...
[Daigo experiences The Rage of Realization (tm).]
DAIGO
WHO WAS IT, AKIRA!? WAS IT EDGE!? WAS IT!!?
[Akira laughs at the thought.]
AKIRA
No way, jeez! You get the strangest ideas sometimes, big brother--
[It's too late. Daigo has already stormed out the front door.]
AKIRA
Oh, poor Edge...
[Meanwhile, outside the house, Edge was just about to visit Daigo and Akira. He holds a lovely bouquet of flowers. See, Edge is in love with Akira, but is still working up the nerve to ask her out. He spies Daigo coming towards.]
EDGE
Oh, hey boss! Is Akira around? I got a little something for her, see?
[He shows her the flowers, while his boss shows him his glowing demonic eyes.]
DAIGO
Haven't. You. Done. Enough. EDGE!!?
[Edge's laughing nervously, taking a step back.]
EDGE
Um, well, no not really--
[Daigo takes a hard step forward, leaving an inch-deep imprint of his foot in the pavement.]
DAIGO
"Not really?" "NOT REALLY!!?"
EDGE
...Um, ya, really--
[Daigo charges, as he exudes a fiery aura.]
DAIGO
I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!
[Back in the studio, Eggman is bound and gagged, hanging upside down.]
SONIC
Now that THAT'S done, gotta juice!
[Sonic Figure-8 dashes out the studio.]
ANNOUNCER
♪♫
Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫
==================================================
11:45 ICT
JAPAN: THE AZUMANGA DAIOH SCHOOL
[Eggman's at the board, covered in twine marks from the day before.]
EGGMAN
And that's how you say "Eggman owns all you biznatches" in English!
[Chiyo's taking copious notes.]
CHIYO
All... you... biznatches. Got it!
TOMO
Yo, fatso! Let me out of here!
[Eggman looks back, as well as the rest of the class looks, to Tomo, who's once again trapped inside the cage.]
EGGMAN
I meant to ask there, Tomo, but how did Sonic get you into that cage?
KAGURA
Yeah, he had you in there once, but you got out! How did you get back into the cage again, ya moron!?
TOMO
Well...
[TOMO'S WACKY FLASHBACK]
[Tomo running at superhuman speed, with Sonic lagging behind her and trying to keep up.]
TOMO
HAHAHA!!! I am much faster than Sonic the Hedgehog or any spaceship!
[Sonic's panting... and sounds like the Jaleel White version for some reason.]
SONIC (AS VOICED BY JALEEL WHITE)
She is too powerful! Gasp!
[Tomo's laughing maniacally.]
TOMO
I have reached the pier! Now, get in the cage!
[Suddenly, Eggman rises out of the water in a mech.]
EGGMAN
I will destroy this city! Get ready!
TOMO
Says you!
[The hyperactive schoolgirl jumps into a Sonic Spin (somehow) and hits the mech's one fatal weak spot, causing it to start exploding.]
[Eggman down but not out.]
EGGMAN
Oh yeah!? GET THEM, MY REPTILIAN NINJAS!!!
[Lots and lots and lots of reptilian ninjas surround her via the buildings and sidewalks.]
SONIC (AS VOICED BY JALEEL WHITE)
They got me pinned! Tomo, the world's fate lies with you!
[The seven Chaos Emeralds magically appear and surround her, and she turns super, complete with Dragon Ball-ish golden spiky hair.]
TOMO
Never fear! SUPER TOMO DOESN'T NEED RINGS!!! HYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
[Super Tomo flies into the army of ninjas.]
[END TOMO'S WACKY FLASHBACK]
TOMO
And I fought off those Reptilian Ninjas, all one million of 'em! And I saved the world from YOU, Dr. Eggman!
[Everyone's amazed at the tale... including Eggman.]
EGGMAN
Okay, um, Tomo, you included me in your story, but I wasn't there. Which means that you're lying. Kagura, what actually happened?
KAGURA
I dunno, but I got my shirt signed by Shadow the Hedgehog!!!
[She's all ^_^ right now.]
EGGMAN
...Texas, what about you?
OSAKA
That Knuckles boy was nice! We gotta talk more often! But here's what really happened:
[OSAKA'S UNCHARACTERISTICALLY ACCURATE FLASHBACK]
[Sonic, with Chris on his back, is running towards the pier.]
SONIC
Chris, you dumb piece, if you need saving from horny female Chinese pedophiles again, ask someone else, because I WILL leave you there!
CHRIS
What do you mean? All Miss Jam said is that she wanted me to see what was in her pink box! But before she could show me the box, you and Mr. Kiske broke down the door and simultaneously yelled at her to stop!
SONIC
...Never mind, kid. When you're older, you'll be thankful.
[END OSAKA'S UNCHARACTERISTICALLY ACCURATE FLASHBACK]
OSAKA
And then Sonic made it to the pier approximately one hour before Tomo showed up. I know because I rode on Knuckles as he glided above the city. We saw and heard it all. But the poor Chinese lady has to appear in court now.
[Eggman perks his eyebrow and checks his watch.]
EGGMAN
Oh, shit, that's today!? BOWSER'S COURT CASE IS TODAY, TOO!!! I have to appear in both!
[He clears his throat and stands in front of all of them.]
EGGMAN
Children, I enjoyed my time as your substitute teacher. As a gift to you for being such good students, you'll be the first to see...
[He pulls a white tarp off of his latest invention.]
EGGMAN
MY NEW MECHA-CHIYO-CHAN!!!
[Everyone's amazed and in awe...]
CHIYO
You actually made one!?
[The Mecha-Chiyo looks like a clearly robotic Chiyo, whirs, and speaks in an echo-y metallic voice.]
MECHA CHIYO
I'm Chiyo Mihama. I'm ten years old.
CHIYO
I'm ELEVEN now!!!
EGGMAN
Ten. Now, this is just a weaponless prototype, but once at full capacity it will be able to level a small city within minutes!
[Everyone's in shock...]
TOMO
...Cooooooooooooooool...
[Suddenly, who should break in but...]
YUKARI
YOU ASSHOLE!!! NO ONE TRAPS ME IN A CLOSET OVERNIGHT UNLESS HE'S CUTE AND SINGLE!!!
EGGMAN
Oh, shit! Come, Mecha Chiyo-Chan! To Station Square!
[He jumps through the window, as the robot follows.]
OSAKA
CHIYO-CHAN, NOOOOOOOO!!!
CHIYO
Um, Miss Osaka, I'm right here!
OSAKA
Wow, how'd ya do that?
==================================================
16:40 ICT
JAPAN: TOMOEDA
[The end of the school day at Tomoeda Elementary. Amidst the crowd of kids passing through the doors to get home, we see Lloyd and Genis walking out of the school doors.]
GENIS
Wow, that was a great class! And what an easy test! I got 100%!
[He sees Lloyd nod, also showing off a 94% test.]
GENIS
Yay! We're good test buddies now! Just like I've always dreamed!
LLOYD
HAHAHA! Yeah I'm just that damn good!
GENIS
That class was so great, I don't even remember what I was worried about--
[He sees something unfortunate at the school gates.]
GENIS
Oh no! OH NO!!!
[Walking ever slowly towards them...]
RAINE
So, you boys decided to leave MY classroom and catch a ride off OUR planet with Eggman, just to come and play games!? Now enough is enough. Lloyd, Genis, let's go.
GENIS
...NO.
[Raine raises her brow a slight.]
RAINE
..."No?" Now don't be silly.
[She pinches Lloyd's ear.]
RAINE
Come on now, I've got what I need to go back home. And Lloyd, the first thing you'll get, as your punishment for leaving, is two hours holding massive buckets filled with heavy sandbags!!!
[Genis casts a light Fireball spell on Raine's hand, setting Lloyd free.]
GENIS
I said we're not going back! Right Lloyd?
LLOYD
Yeah! Besides, I'm learning!!!
RAINE
I said let's go!
[She grabs Genis's arm, who in turn is charging up a magic spell in his free hand.]
GENIS
And I said NO!!!
???
Hey, what's going on out here?
LLOYD
C-cap--Sensei!
[LLoyd turns and hugs the confused Captain Falcon. Genis throws his charged spell at her arm, breaking free from Raine's grasp, before latching onto the man's leg.]
CAPTAIN FALCON
Excuse me, ma'am, but I want to know what the hell you're doing with my students.
RAINE
YOUR students? I'll have you know that these two belong to me! I'm taking my brother and his stupid friend back!
[The bounty hunter's fists become clenched, as he shoos Genis and Lloyd away.]
CAPTAIN FALCON
...So you're their teacher... the one-room schoolhouse child beater!?
RAINE
Of course! And you are?
[Meanwhile, we see Sakura and Shaoron putting on their outdoor shoes in the shoe locker room.]
SYAORAN
You know, I think the next time I see Genis, I want to have a friendly little magic duel with him, and see whose magic is better.
SAKURA
Now Syaoran, don't go overboard--
[A faint but really furious tone is coming from outside the school...]
FAINT
...UUUNCH!!!
[Raine crashes through the locker room wall, with Captain Falcon following right behind her, delivering a very fiery assault of righteousness!]
SAKURA
Oh my god!!! Syaoran, what do we do!?
[The magic-user boy's more intrigued than surprised.]
SYAORAN
I want to see how this ends.
[Captain Falcon's repeatedly slamming his fists and kicks into her.]
CAPTAIN FALCON
You disgrace the very nature of teachers everywhere, with your horrid and unorthodox treatment of the children!!!
GENIS
GO Falcon-sensei!
[Raine coughs some blood up, and muttering an instant First Aid.]
RAINE
Genis, you're getting SO much of a beating when we get home. And it goes double for you, Lloyd!
LLOYD
What'd I do?!
CAPTAIN FALCON
Not on my watch, you ungrateful waste! And to think, you would even defile your own brother for your own twisted and perverse sin!
[Raine wipes some more blood off.]
RAINE
Give me a break! I only did that twice! He was fast asleep when I did it too, so how would he have known!?
[Genis is overcome with shock.]
GENIS
.........................................WWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?!
LLOYD
Whoa... Genis, it's true!?
GENIS
I... I was... I was lying... I WAS LYING! WHY IS IT TRUE!?
LLOYD
Wow, Genis, your lie backfired! You got self-owned!
GENIS
IT'S NOT FUNNY, LLOYD!! She actually DID it!
LLOYD
Hehehe... I know it's not technically funny, but it is sort of poetic justice, you know? You told a lie to Falcon-sensei, and Karma paid you back by changing the past with his voodoo powers!
GENIS
...You're an idiot. Then that means... that means my entire world is crashing down around me...
[Falcon, anger overtaking him, tosses Raine angrily to the side.]
CAPTAIN FALCON
As much as it sickens me to let a creepy pedophile like you live, it's not my way to kill. I won't have this kind of violence on the school grounds. Leave, and NEVER bother my students again!!!
SYAORAN
...Didn't HE start the fight? Per usual?
[Sakura nods. Raine lifts herself up slowly.]
RAINE
Fine, but my brother and Lloyd ARE going to come back with me.
LLOYD
No way, Professor! I actually LEARN and DON'T get punished if I'm not sure of the answer! I love it here!
GENIS
You actually did it... ...Was that why I had those dreams where Presea and I were intimate!? THEY WEREN'T DREAMS AT ALL!!! OH, PRESEA, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SEE ME IN THAT DRESS!?
SYAORAN
Wow, this school never ceases to amaze me. Magic, aliens, molestation, magic alien molestation, and helmets. It's got it all.
SAKURA
Hoeee...
[Offended, Raine sighs and slumps away, cursing beneath her breath.]
CAPTAIN FALCON
Don't worry boys. I doubt she'll be a thorn in your sides ever again. And if she does come back, I'll just gank her sorry ass!
[He starts laughing triumphantly.]
LLOYD
Wow! He's like the father I never had!
[Genis looks at Lloyd with disbelief.]
GENIS
Lloyd, you already have TWO fathers.
CAPTAIN FALCON
HEEBA-JEEBA-WHA!?
LLOYD
Oh yeah... Well, I mean the cool big brother I never had! ...No wait...
[He confused himself.]
LLOYD
Can I keep calling you "teach" instead?
[Falcon nods.]
CAPTAIN FALCON
C'mon, kids! Let's enjoy my victory against another child molester and horrible teacher, with some delectable ice cream!
[Everyone nods. Sakura looks to Genis, who still seems a little distant.]
SAKURA
Are you okay, Genis?
GENIS
...I can't believe she actually did it... maybe Karma DID go back in time with his voodoo power... maybe... Lloyd was RIGHT!? IT CAN'T BE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
==================================================
21:38 ICT
STATION SQUARE COURT
BAILIFF RANDOM PERSON A
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! COURT IS NOW IN SESSION! THE PEOPLE OF STATION SQUARE VS. JAM KURADOBERI! THE HONORABLE JUDGE, KY KISKE, PRESIDING!
[Almost everyone's in the courtroom for some reason.]
ROUGE
Wait, why are YOU the judge?
[Ky's still in his regular outfit, with a mallet head attached to the tip of the Thunderseal sword.]
KY
They were short on people.
SONIC
...Didn't Eggman say he'd be here?
KNUCKLES
Yeah, he next door.
SONIC
..."He next door?"
[Meanwhile, next door where he is, in other court case...]
A RED PARA-TROOPA
The guy's a jerk! With no respect for his troops at all! We're underpaid, overworked, and forced to work in dangerous conditions with minimal safety gear!
[Bowser stands up behind the defendant's table, very angry.]
BOWSER
YOU'RE DEAD TO ME, PARA-TROOPA!!!
[Eggman, Bowser's lawyer, holds the angry turtle-dragon-man back.]
[Back in Jam's trial, several witnesses have testified against the defendant. Let's fast-forward through a few testimonies, shall we?]
SPACE PIRATE X
AND THAT'S WHEN SHE BROKE UP OUR MONOPOLY GAME, ASKING IF WE KNEW WHERE SHE COULD FIND SOME, QUOTE, "HOT YOUNG BOYS!!!"
[Another...]
LUIGI
I find her-a ravishing as a woman, but-a disgusting as a human being.
[Yet another...]
EGGMAN
I don't really dislike Jam, but as an aspiring world dictator, I cannot condone her obvious pedophilia. I mean, who wants to live in a world where its ruler will not stop someone who molests their children? And why the hell am I not the main feature in this final chapter?
SONIC
CUZ YOU'RE ALWAYS MOOCHING OFF OF US IN THE CRONIES CHAPTERS!!
EGGMAN
I'M HILARIOUS!!
[Tails raises his hand.]
TAILS
Um, Judge, I know I'm not a part of this trial and all, but I object!
KY
Sustained. Eggman, please sit down.
EGGMAN
Alright, fine.
[And finally...]
BRIDGET
And then, she told me that I didn't have to pay for my pork dumplings if I just showed HER MY pork dumplings. I hastily paid and left. It was rather embarrassing!
[Knuckles standing like a goof.]
KNUCKLES
OBJECTION!
KY
To what, exactly!?
KNUCKLES
To that fucking tranny! He deceived me after the ice show!
BRIDGET
I was unconscious!
KNUCKLES
That's right! And I demand you pay for my burning hands! The ones I BLEACHED with purity after feeling you up!
[Everyone in the court room lets out a disgusted gasp.]
EGGMAN
That's disgusting!
[Ky looks rather tired and annoyed, raising his hand, causing everyone to shut up.]
KY
Jam...
[Jam looks at Ky from the defendant's table with puppy dog eyes.]
KY
I'm afraid that in the face of such overwhelming evidence, I find you guilty of--
[AN OBJECTION?! Sol Badguy; breaks through the wall.]
SOL
I OBJECT!!!
KY
SOL!? ...WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THE DOOR!?
[Sol doesn't look too concerned about Ky's, um, concerns.]
SOL
Alright! This is like the seventeenth wall I've broken through today! I couldn't find the damn room!
[SOL'S ANGRY FLASHBACK]
[Sol breaks through a wall.]
SOL
I OBJECT!!!
[It's the women's locker room, where several women scream.]
SOL
Nice boobs!
--
[Sol breaks through a wall.]
SOL
I OBJECT!!!
[It's the broom closet. A broom hits Sol's head.]
SOL
Ow.
--
[Sol breaks through a wall.]
SOL
I OBJECT!!!
BOWSER
Hey, c'mon, Sol, this is my case!
[Sol flips Bowser off. The turtle-dragon slams his fist down on one of his Koopa Troopas, making it an empty shell. He grabs the shell and flings it at Sol, who vaporizes it with a Tyrant Rave. Supafly, the judge in Bowser's trial, glares at this.]
SUPAFLY
Well, this Fly be seein' all he be needin'! You guilty!
BOWSER
DAMN YOU SOL!!!
--
[Sol breaks through a wall.]
SOL
I OBJECT!!!
KY
SOL!? ...WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THE DOOR!? IN ADDITION, I AM A FOPPISH DANDY WHO LOVES FOIE GRAS AND THE SEXUAL COMPANY OF OTHER MEN!!!
[END SOL'S ANGRY FLASHBACK]
KY
I did NOT say that.
SOL
Lies. Anyway... I call MYSELF to the stand!
[Everyone gasps.]
KNUCKLES
Surprised expression?!
[Sonic gives Knuckles a strange eye. Sol has taken to the witness stand.]
SOL
I was there! I witnessed the whole thing!
KY
Aw crap, he's a witness. ...Fine. Proceed.
[Chris's in the audience as well. Yes, everyone and their mothers are here, it seems.]
CHRIS
Hi, Mr. Badguy! I remember you from Jam's place!
SOL
Shut up, kid! I'm saving your ass. ...Anyway, if you recall, earlier, the prosecution said that Jam told the boy to open her pink box...
[He reveals a pink box.]
SOL
OF COOKIES!!!
[Everyone gasps.]
CHRIS
Hey, that's the same box she showed me!
KY AND SONIC
...What.
[Sol opens it, takes a bite, and chews a little.]
SOL
Mmm, delicious! And they taste NOTHING like VAGINA! Which is a flavor that I'm sure our honorable fag-judge will never taste!
KY
I object! That's immaterial--
SOL
Judges can't object, bitch! Now shut the fuck up!
SHADOW
Wow, it's so hostile in here.
GANONDORF
You ain't kiddin'.
SOL
Furthermore, that fag over there--
KY
The witness will stop referring to the people in the court as "fags!"
[Sol points his weapon at Ky.]
SOL
Denied.
KY
...Sol, is that a broom?
[Sol looks at the broom, realizes that he probably left the Fireseal in the broom closet earlier.]
SOL
Ah, crap. Anyway...
[He points to Bridget.]
SOL
That "person" over there, who is probably a raging homosexual--
BRIDGET
Am not--
SOL
SHUT UP!! ...Said that Jam wanted his "pork dumplings."
[Sol pulls out a book.]
SOL
This book, written by said cross-dressing homosexual, is titled, and I quote, "Bridget and You: How to Make Delectable Pork Dumplings and Other Foods for the Busy Bounty Hunter On the Go!" The defendant merely wanted to swap recipes with another chef!
[Everyone gasps.]
KY
I cannot believe the bullshit you're pulling here, Sol...
SOL
In addition, I call one Ky Kiske to the stand!
[Everyone gasps louder, as Sol jumps off the stand and Ky reluctantly takes his place.]
SOL
Ky, do you swear to tell the truth and not be a dirty liar!?
KY
I am a servant of God! Of course I swear!
SOL
Really!? Then are you a homosexual?
KY
Dammit, Sol, you KNOW I'm not!
[Sol's acting overly dramatic.]
SOL
Oh, really? Then why is it that when the defendant, who you arrested, tried to get out of it by offering you sex, you denied her?
SHADOW
Now THIS is interesting!
GANONDORF
Woo!!
KY
I am an officer of the law! I cannot be tempted by urges! Which I have, Sol! Heterosexual urges! Your theory kinda goes in the shitter, doesn't it?
SOL
DOES IT? MAYBE YOU ARE STRAIGHT AFTER ALL, BUT THEN DOESN'T THAT MEAN... THAT THE DEFENDANT ACTUALLY ONLY MADE ADVANCES ON YOU, SOMEONE RELATIVELY CLOSE TO HER OWN AGE!?
[Everyone gasps again.]
SOL
CAKE DONUT, KY!?
[Cake donut in hand, Sol takes a bite, chewing carefully.]
KY
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, YOU DOLT!? YOU'RE JUST YELLING ANGRILY NOW!!!
[Sol takes another bite, speaking with his mouth full, crumbs spraying on Ky.]
SOL
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT JAM HERSELF BAKED THESE DONUTS!?
[Everyone gasps very loudly. Amy Rose faints.]
KY
WHY ARE YOU ALL GASPING!? HE'S NOT MAKING ANY POINTS!!!
SOL
EXACTLY!!! HEY, JUDGE IN THE OTHER ROOM!!!
[Supafly peeks in from the hole in the wall.]
SUPAFLY
Who be callin'?
SOL
Have you been listening? Our judge sucks! YOU make the call!
SUPAFLY
...Man, that whole little boy charge 'n' shit, that's whack. The chick ain't guiltin'. Ain't no one guiltin'! Everyone go home!
[Sol has more donuts.]
SOL
AND EAT SOME CAKE DONUTS!!!
[He stuffs like three in his mouth.]
SOL
FUCK THAT'SH GOOD!!!
[Everyone leaves. Jam goes up to Ky afterwards.]
KY
...Listen, Jam, I'm sorry...
JAM
Eh, it's okay. ...Wanna go do it?
KY
...I suppose.
==================================================
COMMERCIAL
[Eggman, in his apartment, wearing sweat pants... and a shirt! Yes, it's amazing. No top hat, no bow tie, no lack of a shirt! Wacky. He's being very lazy, scratching his stomach and occasionally his testicles. He guzzles down some Nesquik straight from the squeeze bottle. He has some on his lips and mustache.]
EGGMAN
Mmm, chocolatey--
[Suddenly, a commercial announcer interrupts the peace...]
ANNOYING ANNOUNCER
READY! SET! B' DAMAN!!!
[Two little new geeks are yelling to each other across the apartments.]
FUCKING LITTLE GEEK A
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A B' DA BATTLE!!!
FUCKING LITTLE GEEK B
LET'S BATTLE!
Announcer: B' DAMAN!!!
[Eggman suddenly has the impossibly furious rage, and opens his window.]
EGGMAN
YOU FUCKING TWERPS! I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU!
[The nerds start shooting Eggman with their marble shooting mechs or whatever the fuck those Japanese invented this time.]
EGGMAN
Oh... it's on, you little shits.
[He pulls out two marble-shooting gatling guns, and starts pelting the kids with high speed marbles traveling fast enough to burn flesh. The geeks are taken aback for a moment, when suddenly...]
GEEK'S LITTLE SISTER A
Leave our big brothers alone!
GEEK'S LITTLE SISTER B
Go... Sky Dancers!
[The little girls grab their Sky Dancer toys and start firing those twirling Sky Dancer dolls across the street at Eggman.]
[AUTHOR'S NOTE FROM CMA]
Yeah, hey. Gotta interrupt the commercial here a minute.
I don't know if any of you ever tried launching a Sky Dancer at another human being before, or if you've ever seen one. Look for Sky Dancers on Amazon.com or Google. Basically, what is supposed to be a harmless little girl's toy is, when properly launched, one hell of a painful weapon. It can cut skin if you're not careful. I know this through experience. Yes, I've been on both ends of a Sky Dancer "battle." That shit can break your will, I tell ya. It can leave you in fucking tears.
Observe.
[END THE NOTE]
[The Sky Dancers fly through Eggman's window, delivering stinging cuts to Eggman's cheek and the side of his flabby belly. Eggman's screaming like bloody murder, clutching the cuts and rolling on the ground.]
EGGMAN
AW FUCKING JESUS!!! BLOODY FUCKING CHRIST!!! PONTIUS SHITTY PILATE!!! THAT SHIT FUCKING STINGS!!! WHY DO THEY STILL MAKE SKY DANCERS FOR LITTLE GIRLS!!?
[The Sky Dancer assault continues, some of the dolls sticking to the side of the apartment building, others flying through the window and smashing THROUGH tables. But now... he has the fury.]
EGGMAN
You little assholes just got the privilege of being LASERED!
[Eggman pulls a remote out of nowhere. In orbit, an egg-shaped satellite with an Eggman insignia lets loose an Earth-busting laser. Both the kids' and Eggman's apartment, as well as several surrounding city blocks, are now a crater.]
[Some time later...]
IL PALAZZO
...What the hell happened to you?
[Eggman's all charred and smoking.]
EGGMAN
I was on the wrong end of a Sky Dancer meteor swarm.
[He coughs up a Sky Dancer doll.]
IL PALAZZO
They still make that shit!? Man, they gotta ban that crap before someone loses an eye!
[They walk off into the distance as a B' Daman launcher and a Sky Dancer fall to the ground behind them.]
ANNOUNCER
♪♫
Pledge allegiance to Eggman!♪♫==================================================
TAILS
Okay, guys, we have to stop the lazy antics! The Cronies stand for justice and have to defend the earth from further threats!
SONIC
That's right! Eggman, those Moonies, the Axis of Evil, and all the other bad guys who think they're better than us! ...Yes, Shadow!
SHADOW
Do we get to drive around some more, and catch criminals and jail them?
SONIC
YES! In fact, we SHOULD have been doing that already! ...Knuckles, speak!
KNUCKLES
Can I keep the Pancakes and Steak restaurant?
TAILS
Yes! Somehow, you're pulling in revenue, and I can't be the only one doing that! Good on you, Knuckles!
KNUCKLES
Sweet!
ROUGE
Yeah, um, we can't be everywhere at once! How is the reservist plan coming along!
[Sonic smiles positively, and snaps his fingers. Suddenly, many mysterious silhouettes appear in the house. As a clue to our readers, here are some descriptions: 1) a man with a long katana and long hair, 2) a being made of many spheres, 3) a slim-built boy holding a machine gun, 4) a floating man with a cape, a cane, and mysterious priestly air about him, 5) a girl with short hair and a blue aura, 6) another slim boy with glasses and an elaborately decorated knife, and finally 7) an Alliance human with a pirate hat who once held his place on a pier. Who are they?]
SONIC
Meet... the Reservist Cronies! Also known as... The Associates!
==================================================
Staaaaay tuned!
Here's the other half of Eggman Adventures 10--or should I officially call it Cronies 22? Eggman's antics DO bleed pretty often into the main story, so we'll just do that with the next batch, called CRONIES: TRY!
Will Knuckles and Shadow's restaurant succeed??
WHO ARE the Associates??
And POINTS if you can guess which game that end-quote came from!
And, as always, none of the characters here (save for Bob) belong to us, but to their respective companies.