The Adventures of Eggman 09

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Clark Kent's super

Bruce Wayne's Batman

Everyone else

Just looooves Eggman!

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SONIC

Not me!

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Everyone who's evil

Just looooves Eggman!

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COMMERCIAL

[Tuxedo Mask stands before the camera, battered and bleeding.]

TUXEDO MASK

And now presenting a new Moon Kingdom presentation featuring the guy who threatened to kill me if I didn't show it: Sephiroth!

[Splash screen is shown that says "Sephiroth's True Station Square Stories." It is not unlike "Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories" from the Dave Chappelle Show.]

[We see a lineup outside Sephiroth: Tailor of Death, with people wearing torn rags, garbage bags, and all manner of inappropriate substitutes for clothing.]

RANDOM PERSON A

HOLY COW!!!

[He looks down; he's not wearing anything.]

RANDOM PERSON A

THEM MOONIES STOLE MY CLOTHES!!!

[Ky has his coat in hand, pointing out where he needs it fixed.]

KY

It got torn up here, and here, and here. It's important that the whole blue/white cross ensemble is preserved!

[Sephiroth, at this very moment, is thinking of nailing his hot ditzy Aeris.]

SEPHIROTH

Yes, Mr. Kiske! I take pride in my work!

[Surrounded by rose petals and anime lines, Tuxedo Mask is holding a rose in his teeth and dancing some wacky Spanish dance.]

[Tuxedo Mask's dancing as he talks.]

TUXEDO MASK

Are you the one they call Sephiroth? I require nine dresses for my nine lovely ladies!

[Sailor Saturn, the dark-haired one with the powers of darkness, pouts.]

SAILOR SATURN

But Darien, dear, you said that I was your true love, more important to you than your own wife!

[Tuxedo Mask looks to her, again with the rose petals and anime lines.]

TUXEDO MASK

Silence, lovely shrew! Thy time will come.

[She's swept off her feet for some reason.]

SAILOR SATURN

Oh, my love for you levels up quickly like some easy RPG!

TUXEDO MASK

And easy she is!

[Tuxedo Mask points at Sephiroth.]

TUXEDO MASK

You must make my dresses immediately, my good sir! A night of horny love-making awaits!

SEPHIROTH

Right, let's see... Nine elaborate dresses, three hundred fifty per dress... that'll be three thousand one hundred fifty dollars. Cash or charge?

[As the above scene continued, it changes to a close up of Tuxedo Mask's face.]

[Tuxedo Mask's face gets all contorted and weird.]

[Tuxedo Mask rears back and, in super slow motion, slaps the unsuspecting Sephiroth across the face. He looks surprised at first as he clutches his cheek, and then... MURDEROUS RAGE.]

SEPHIROTH

I WILL DESTROY YOU, FOOL!

[Sailor Saturn holds her scythe-staff-thing she uses.]

SAILOR SATURN

Be warned, peasant, that to get to him you must get through me, and that I am the strongest of the Sailor Scouts--

[Sephiroth interrupts her by teleporting behind her and, like he did to Aeris, stabs her in the back, clean through her whole body. Pulling out the sword Masamune, letting Sailor Saturn fall. He faces Tuxedo Mask.]

SEPHIROTH

You're going to pay for the mess she's making on my floor.

[Tuxedo Mask throws a rose at Sephiroth, one that, unfortunately, catches too much air and falls harmlessly to the floor. He pulls out a two-way radio.]

TUXEDO MASK

This is King Stud, requesting backup.

ANNOUNCER

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CD

JOIN!

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EGGMAN

So where do you think the Cronies could've gone? We couldn't even find Knuckles!

IL PALAZZO

Well, you know them pretty well. If you don't know, let's ask some places around here. Aren't they chummy with that kindly tailor?

EGGMAN

...Sephiroth? Yeah, we could ask him!

[Il Palazzo looks over at another table, pointing to the new waitress.]

IL PALAZZO

Um, who's she?

EGGMAN

Oh, she's a waitress I hired a few days ago. Says her name's "Usagi Tsukino."

[The waitress, who is very clearly Sailor Moon in disguise, is helping customers while cautiously eyeing Eggman and Il Palazzo. The latter knows exactly who she is.]

IL PALAZZO

Um, Eggman, don't you think there's something odd about her?

[Eggman cups his chin and looks at the young lady, with her long blonde hair tied into two "meatball" buns, a long ponytail falling down from each. He then looks at a newspaper showing Sailor Moon. He compares the two, and then...]

EGGMAN

Of course! You, Usagi! Over here a moment!

[The girl, afraid that her cover might've been blown, walks over. She's still acting polite, yet is rightfully nervous.]

SAILOR MOON

Y-Yes, Dr. Eggman?

[He stands and puts his hands on her shoulders.]

EGGMAN

You've been working too hard, my dear! I can see wrinkles forming! Go take a break!

SAILOR MOON

Wrinkles!?

[Il Palazzo shakes his head as Eggman walks out the door, humming to himself.]

IL PALAZZO

Eggman, wait, clearly you can see this girl is actually your enemy Sailor Moo--

[Sailor Moon covers Illy's mouth and drags him into the back room. We then hear sounds of a fight; punches, kicks, pans falling, glass breaking, etc. Il Palazzo comes out of the room, dusting off his hands, virtually unscratched.]

IL PALAZZO

...Fucking bitch.

[Sailor Moon, meanwhile, is crawling out of the back room, all bloody and bruised.]

SAILOR MOON

Dammit... Eggman assassination attempt failed! Back to the drawing board!

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EGGMAN

Hey, Sephiroth!

[Sephiroth's pissed right now, stitching up some pants.]

SEPHIROTH

Oh, thanks a lot, Dr. Eggman! Thanks to you and your GOD-robot, business has shot through the roof! I normally wouldn't mind, but so much work is tiring on both my hands and sex life!

AERIS'S VOICE FROM THE BACK

Sephy... Come to bed!

SEPHY

I told you, babe, I want to, I REALLY REALLY want to, but I have work to do!

AERIS'S VOICE FROM THE BACK

Awww! But Sephy, I'm horny!

[Il Palazzo grimaces.]

IL PALAZZO

Wow, that was unusually unsettling.

EGGMAN

I'll get STRAIGHT to the point! Sephiroth, we need you to tell us where the Cronies are hiding!

SEPHIROTH

And what makes you think I know where those damn superhero animal-people are?

[The door jingles as a small two-tailed fox person wearing dark glasses, a fluffy grey beard, a trench coat, and a matching hat walks in.]

SEPHIROTH

Oh, Mr. Tanzarian! Yours is finished!

[He puts aside what he was working on and pulls out a couple of blankets, giving it to the stranger.]

SEPHIROTH

Here you go. Since you paid in advance, we're all good!

"MR. TANZARIAN"

Ah, yes, thank you Mr. Sephiroth! Remember to call me about those garments we were talking about!

SEPHIROTH

Of course.

[Il Palazzo notices the person leaving.]

IL PALAZZO

Eggman, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

EGGMAN

Probably. ...Who would name their child "Sexburth?"

IL PALAZZO

No, I mean--SEXBURTH!?

[He puts his hands on Eggman's shoulders.]

IL PALAZZO

Eggman, for a genius, you sure are stupid. Now, listen carefully. You made it so the Cronies can't go out in public, right?

EGGMAN

Heh heh, yeah.

IL PALAZZO

You get what I'm saying? About the two-tailed customer who was just here?

[Eggman's eyes widen.]

EGGMAN

OH MY GOD! ...USAGI WAS REALLY SAILOR MOON!

[Il Palazzo sighs.]

IL PALAZZO

Yes. And what about Mr. Tanzarian?

EGGMAN

Who?

IL PALAZZO

YOU IDIOT! I CAN'T BELIEVE I KNOW YOU!!!

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[Eggman looks around.]

EGGMAN

Damn, she got away!

[Il Palazzo, meanwhile, is on his cell phone.]

IL PALAZZO

Hang on, I have to put more minutes on my cell.

EGGMAN

Okay, so the Cronies are hiding, and they must have a damn good place to hide if THIS brilliant egg-shaped scientist can't find them!

[He's still on the phone.]

IL PALAZZO

Voice-activated? Oh, shit, this is going to be murder...

EGGMAN

I smushed Tails's house good, so they can't be there...

IL PALAZZO

Minutes! MINUTES! ADD... MORE... MINUTES!!!

[Eggman cups his chin.]

EGGMAN

Tails and Jonny Quest had that fight, so I think the Quest compound is out...

IL PALAZZO

God, I hate voice activation--NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SET THE VOICE TO CROATIAN!!!

EGGMAN

The cameras I had installed in Sakura-chan AND Tomoyo-chan's houses didn't pick up anything either...

[Il Palazzo's now holding an English-Croatian dictionary.]

IL PALAZZO

Hmm, my Croatian isn't as strong as it once was... AHA! This should do it!

EGGMAN

Where else could they turn to?

[Eggman blinks a little bit and looks at a semi-triumphant Illy.]

EGGMAN

What exactly are you doing, Illy!?

[He holds up a phone card.]

IL PALAZZO

Trying to refill my minutes.

EGGMAN

Give it here.

[Eggman grabs the cellphone and just yells unexpectedly into the phone.]

EGGMAN

HeeeeEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeyy!!!

[Il Palazzo takes the phone back.]

IL PALAZZO

What the hell did you just do--

AUTOMATED VOICE

You have one thousand free minutes!

[Il Palazzo gives Eggman quite the puzzled expression.]

EGGMAN

It's my little secret.

[Suddenly, the door chimes ring as none other than the third of the trio enters, looking all healed and spiffy.]

BOWSER

Hey guys!

EGGMAN

Hey, that wasn't so bad, you baby!

IL PALAZZO

Yeah, how was the doctor?

[Bowser's rubbing his tummy.]

BOWSER

Mighty tasty! Waiter, I'd like a drink!

[Eggman cocks an eyebrow.]

EGGMAN

Anyway, where could they have gone? ...Wait a second... Hey, guys, remember when I told you about when me and the Cronies met that group of other guys who were exactly like us, but more polite?

IL PALAZZO

I vaguely recall this.

BOWSER

Yeah, that was weird. What was up with that?

EGGMAN

I know, right?? And they had that one guy named Darky the Porcupine who "WASN'T from the Bernoulli Space Colony Ark" or something. That's crazy! Who says shit like that? It was like that one Seinfeld episode when they met their "Bizarro" doubles--

IL PALAZZO

Oh, you mean the one where George pushed those kids out of the way to escape what he thought was a fire?

EGGMAN

No, no, that's not it--

BOWSER

Oh, I know the one! It was the Mulva episode!

[Il Palazzo points at Bowser.]

IL PALAZZO

Ooh! I remember that one! Wasn't her name Dolores or something stupid!

EGGMAN

I just said what it was from--

IL PALAZZO

What about the soup nazi episode?

BOWSER

I love that one!

EGGMAN

SHUT UP, YOU TWITS! Let me think... there was Darky, and Spike, and Fist the Anteater, who guarded the mythical crystal in his apartment...

[Eggman snaps his fingers.]

EGGMAN

I HAVE IT!

BOWSER

YOU HEARD HIM, WAITER, HE'S GOT THE CHEQUE!!!

[Bowser and Il Palazzo run out, leaving Eggman all alone with the server. He glares at him.]

EGGMAN

This is coming out of your paycheque.

RANDOM PERSON G

Ouch, sir!

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[Tails, dressed as Mr. Tanzarian, comes in through the door.]

TAILS

Hi guys!

AMY

Hey, buddy, you can't barge into other peoples' houses without--oh, it's Tails.

[He hangs up his trench coat, then looks at Shadow.]

TAILS

Shadow, put the gun away.

[Shadow's clutching it close, shaking like a druggie.]

SHADOW

Oh, sorry about that man, I'm just kinda MESSED up because of, I, I don't know, this is just getting to me, all this hiding in the shadows, and, and, and all this sneaky shit and shit, I was just shooting, you know, just shooting at the shadows man... THE SHADOWS!

[Sailor Mercury has bullet holes behind her and in the shape of her, as she's tied up helplessly.]

SAILOR MERCURY

Yes he has! Now untie me!

[Shadow hugs Tails.]

SHADOW

I, I'm so sorry man, I-I-I-I-I-I just had to shoot at the--

SONIC

Shadow, shut up.

SHADOW

...Yes sir.

ROUGE

So, have you found any info out, Tails?

[Tails rummages through the towels and blankets, revealing documents.]

TAILS

Well, we did obtain large amounts of intelligence from the Resistance leader of this sector.

AMY

You mean Sephiroth?

[Tails stares at Amy.]

TAILS

Thank you, Amy, for giving away vital information to our enemy!

[The fox-boy pointed to the tied-up sailor scout.]

SONIC

Eh, she won't tell anyone.

[Sailor Mercury's shifting her eyes.]

SAILOR MERCURY

Uh... yes, I won't tell anyone... Sephi-orth?

SONIC

See? She won't talk!

[Their door suddenly bursts open, watching a familiar, red figure in the doorway, full of vim and energy!]

KNUCKLES

Hey guys! How's it hanging? I'm hanging long, strong, and to the right!!

[He drops like a stone. Shadow walks up to the downed Knuckles, and kicks him a bit.]

SHADOW

That was vulgar, Knuckles! VULGAR!

[Tails walks up to Knuckles, shaking him.]

TAILS

And what took you so long to get here?! How did you even know we would be here if we never told you?! You're not that smart!

SONIC

Guys, he's hurt!

[Knuckles stands up again.]

KNUCKLES

No I'm not, I'm just tired. It was a long walk from the hospital.

SONIC

...I'm sorry. You went to a hospital? Knowing full well that everyone, on the planet, wants us dead?

KNUCKLES

Nah, I went to an underground hospital. He gave me candy, and he fixed me up!

TAILS

...Who did?

KNUCKLES

Dr. Baldhead--er, um, I mean, Faust.

[He opens the bag of candy.]

KNUCKLES

Oh my god! FROGGY CANDY!

[He starts eating them. Rouge looks at him with disgust.]

ROUGE

And I have to sleep with that?

--

[Closeby to that apartment building, the three of our heroes are walking slowly through the hallways towards their projected target. The three of them each pull out a cellphone.]

EGGMAN

Okay, it's time to call up some allies!

[Il Palazzo's on his cell phone.]

IL PALAZZO

Excel, this is your leader! Gather the troops! ...What do you mean "what troops?" You, Agent Hyatt, that new girl Agent Elgala, and Agent Menchi!  ...What do you mean Agent Menchi is sick? ...What do you mean Hyatt just died? Wait, THAT shouldn't surprise me. Okay, fine, arm yourself and Elgala--what do you mean she's too 'chicken-shit'-- ...FINE... arm yourself to the teeth, and launch yourself at the enemy's front lines for the glory of ACROSS!!!

[He hangs up.]

EGGMAN

Ah, got a formidable ally to deal the first blow, eh?

IL PALAZZO

Nope. She's screwed.

[Eggman's cell phone rings; his ring tone is Funky Town.]

EGGMAN

Ola, putas meu! ...Oh, hey Akira! ...You managed to rally up all the schools together to fight the invaders? Good to hear-- ...Davis and Akuma as well?? ...What do you mean they destroyed an armada of ships?? ...That's wonderful! ...Whaddaya mean that boring fuck Ryu decided to help out? ...WHADDAYA MEAN HE'S A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER?! What's with everyone I know becoming substitute teachers?

[Bowser's loud and proud on his cellphone.]

BOWSER

Captain Falcon? Agent Shell-Face here! ...What do you mean I should stop using that name? Anywho, I need you to halt your substitute teaching duties and help us fight the Moonie invasion! ... ...Whaddaya mean you're about to prepare? ...Whaddaya mean you're no longer a substitute teacher, because you beat up the guy who was the original teacher, who was engaged to and having sexual relations with an underage student? ...

[Bowser roars loudly, freaking out.]

BOWSER

THAT'S DISGUSTING! I WANT THAT GUY'S NAME, HOSPITAL ROOM NUMBER, AND HIS WEAK SPOTS! ...uh-huh... ...yeah, they tend to have weak gall bladders... yeah... bad heel... HE'S NOT ACHILLES, FALCON! I'm very sure I can take him without resorting to kicking him in the heels!

[He hangs up his own phone too, calming down.]

EGGMAN

Now... to the final piece of our plan.

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COMMERCIAL

[Tuxedo Mask's looking at a mirror, as he applies gauze and bandages to his bloodied face, with his white mask all messed up. He turns and suddenly looks at the camera.]

TUXEDO MASK

Oh, my, I didn't hear you come in. Ahem... You ever been in love with a girl, but were too afraid to hit on her because, you know, she's... underage? Well, turn that pedo-frown upside-pedo-down!

[He shows off his new book.]

TUXEDO MASK

My new book, "How to Pick up Underage Girls: From the Playground and Beyond", will turn you into a young-girl pickin' up machine! Just ask THIS satisfied customer!

[The satisfied customer is Mr. Terada, the former teacher in Sakura's classroom, and the pervo that was dating the elementary schoolgirl Rika from Sakura's school (check the manga; we ain't kiddin'.) He was beat up by Captain Falcon... HORRIBLY.]

MR. TERADA

Before, I was just a sheltered young-but-handsome teacher who loved children. I mean REALLY loved children. But thanks to Darien's, er, Mr. Mask's excellent guide, I wooed the heart of this little honey.

[He shows off an innocent picture of Rika.]

MR. TERADA

She has the heart of an angel and the legs of a young supple pre-pubescent girl.

[Meanwhile, Bowser sees this commercial on a shop's TV. He's growling furiously.]

BOWSER

DIE, PERVERT!!!

[With a feral roar, he smashes the TV, and the shop along with it.]

ANNOUNCER

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CD

JOIN!

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[Captain Falcon is about to teach another gym class.]

CAPTAIN FALCON

Alright, children! Today's fun gym activity, which will take us well into the night--and several of the following days--will be to FIGHT OFF THE INVADERS!!! Everyone get some armored gear and do a quick warm-up!

[Most of the class look at him with odd, terrified expressions... the excited beyond belief Lloyd is not one of them, as he unsheathes his twin swords.]

LLOYD

WOOOOOOO!!! ALL RIGHT!!! I LOOOVE THIS WORLD!!! I don't need armor, coach, just let me at 'em! Man, Genis, we are NEVER going back home! WOOOOOOO!!!

CAPTAIN FALCON

That's the spirit!

[Naoko, the girl with the glasses that Falcon always mistakes for a boy, raises her hand.]

NAOKO

Um, Falcon-sensei...

CAPTAIN FALCON

Yes, little man!

NAOKO

I told you I'm a girl!

[He chuckles.]

CAPTAIN FALCON

Nonsense, little man! Now, flex those manly muscles!

[Naoko comically tries to flex, unleashing cute little girlish squeals as she does.]

CAPTAIN FALCON

Hmm... you stay back.

[Sakura raises her hand.]

SAKURA

Um, Falcon-sensei, maybe the, you know, normal students should stay out of it?

CAPTAIN FALCON

Ah, too true! All you normies go and hide! Now, Sakura, Syaoran, Meilin, Lloyd, and Genis! Follow me! TO BATTLE! ...LLOYD!!! STOP MAULING THOSE TARGET DUMMIES!!!

[Lloyd has a target dummy's head in his teeth.]

LLOYD

YESCH COATH!!!

SYAORAN

Hoo boy, so many alien invasions lately...

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[There's knocking on the front door. Shadow, yawning, approaches it and answers the door.]

EGGMAN

Hey, Shadow, we--

[Shadow, now wide-eyed and freaked out, slams the door and locks it. Sonic sees the freaked out Shadow.]

SONIC

...Shadow, you idiot, did you actually answer the door?

SHADOW

Um... er... noooooo...

EGGMAN

Step aside. We're coming in~

[Eggman and friends burst through the door clumsily. Shadow's trying to get out from underneath them.]

SHADOW

Help... me!...

[Sonic gets into a fighting stance.]

SONIC

Eggman!!!

EGGMAN

Hello, Sonic!

SONIC

Get ready Eggman...

[Eggman's waving his arms about.]

EGGMAN

Whoa whoa whoa! Wait wait! I'm not here to fight! We're here to make a compromise.

ROUGE

What are you talking about? You turned the world against us!

EGGMAN

Heh, yeah that was cool--

IL PALAZZO

Let me do the talking, will you, Ivo? Right. As we are speaking, we have agents and allies of our own to fight against the Moonie forces as we speak. We believe that we share a common goal. But if you do not concur, then we shall leave now.

BOWSER

Yeah we'd really appreciate it if you would help us, though.

AMY

How do we know this isn't another trick? The way Mercury tells us, you three are the bad guys!

EGGMAN

Alright, alright! This is getting us nowhere...

[Il Palazzo's features are quite crossed.]

IL PALAZZO

WHAT are you talking--

EGGMAN

How about this: a one on one fight, Sonic. You against me.

IL PALAZZO

Ivo, this has NOTHING to do with--

EGGMAN

If you win, we'll help you out, and I'll publicly apologize to the Cronies and the Moonies and confess that I made them all look bad to make myself look good. But if I win, then you are forced to help us! We will KILL the Moonies and you will BE MY SLAVES!!!

[Il Palazzo sighs from disbelief.]

IL PALAZZO

More... jackassery... as usual.

SONIC

Alright! If that means getting the chance to punch you in the face some, then bring it on!

[Dramatic scene of Eggman and Sonic charging at each other, fists ready to punch one another, with a dramatic time freeze. Then... five seconds later, Eggman drops to the floor like a fly, whining and clutching himself.]

EGGMAN

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW! My testicles!!! Why would you do that!!? What's the matter with you!!? OOOwwwwwwwww!!!

SONIC

...I only gave you a swift punch... I didn't know that's where I hit you, ya fat sack of crap. ...Ugh...

[Il Palazzo steps over Eggman's body and is acting on behalf of them, now.]

IL PALAZZO

Well, since Eggman stupidly decided to fight you, and lost horribly, looks like we'll be assisting you with your plans. And we'll start his apology speech soon enough.

TAILS

You mentioned allies. Who do you have at the moment?

IL PALAZZO

I have my crack troop, Excel, ready for action. Eggman apparently has the island hermit, and a united coalition of the Gedo, Taiyo, Gorin, Justice, and Seijyun High Schools ready and fighting.

KNUCKLES

What about Pacific High?

[Everyone laughs at the thought, then goes back to business as usual.]

IL PALAZZO

And as Bowser told us, Captain Falcon also has some forces to help us too.

KNUCKLES

Well, from that and the others that Sephiroth is getting, then this might not turn out so bad. Too bad we couldn't get like.. oh I don't know, The Avengers to help.

[Eggman's still on the ground, but now he's not as whiny.]

EGGMAN

Well actually, I did try to get The Avengers on our side. But due to the fact that well, I really pissed them off, I don't think that they'll be helping us anytime soon...

[FLASHBACK]

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Alright, team, we have to deal with these invaders swiftly and tactfully. Something tells me that they aren't like the Skrull or the Kree, and are not here maliciously, but perhaps out of some sort of revenge--

[Hawkeye's eye twitches crazily, stuttering and shaking really fast.]

HAWKEYE

C'mon, Cap, just let me shoot 'em with MY ARROWS! Screw shooting, I'll just stab with MY ARROWS! C'mon, everyone, grab an ARROW and we'll stab together!

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Hawkeye, calm yourself! That attitude's what got you expelled from The Avengers more than once, and is a cause of your frequent high blood pressure!

[Iron Man, a.k.a. Tony Stark, quickly hides a copy of Tuxedo Mask's book.]

IRON MAN

Alright, people, from what I've gathered, the Moon Kingdom was all nice and peaceful-like until invaded by--

[They all look at their guest...]

EGGMAN

Hey, I had my reasons to attack them, Stark. You don't know their secret agenda!

IRON MAN

Oh, their secret agenda!? What about your secret agenda of plugging our toilets... with BOMBS!!?

[FLASHBACK WITHIN FLASHBACK]

[The mighty android, Vision, is crawling out of the now exploded bathroom, groaning in monotone.]

VISION

THE PAIN! I THINK I LET OUT A "BIG ONE!"

HAWKEYE

YO MAN WHAT ARE YA DOIN'? This is the HUMANS' bathroom! Androids don't get a bathroom... because androids don't need to pee! You blasted shithead!

VISION

I WANTED TO FEEL MORE HUMAN!

[END FLASHBACK WITHIN A FLASHBACK]

[Eggman's twiddling his thumbs as the Avengers stare him down.]

EGGMAN

Well, um, er, um, I see, um, well...

[He points accusingly at Iron Man.]

EGGMAN

At least I don't buy MOONIE MERCHANDISE!!!

[He gets up and yanks the book out. Cap is disgusted.]

CAPTAIN AMERICA

...Tony, is that a book for seducing youngsters?

IRON MAN

Guys, it's just recon! Yes, that's a good excuse!

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Eggman, Tony, I think you two should leave.

[END FLASHBACK]

BOWSER

You... dumbass.

[Eggman's laughing.]

EGGMAN

I got the foremost superhero authority on the planet angry at me, and now Iron Man himself wants to kill me!

AMY

Why are you laughing, you idiot!? You're going to get yourself killed!

EGGMAN

Pfft, whatever. It's only Iron Man. The fuck is that tin can going to do?

SAILOR MERCURY

Enough of this! Eggman... why did you attack our kingdom so long ago?

EGGMAN

...I knew this day would come... If you MUST know...

[5 minutes later...]

[Everyone is in shock.]

SAILOR MERCURY

You... destroyed our prosperous, happy kingdom... killed our Queen Serenity, our leader's mother... used our once lavish, beautiful home as a garbage dump... because you and your friends WERE HIGH!!?

EGGMAN

Hey, c'mon now! First of all, we were doped up on ecstasy, and secondly, she fell on her own sword, that stupid whore! That really scared the fucking hell out of me!

SAILOR MERCURY

Still... you were high!

EGGMAN

Alright, but I had to prove a point--

AMY

What point?! That killing is bad!?

EGGMAN

No, that doing drugs is bad! Sheesh! What a bunch of retards! But even then, these Moonies have a secret agenda! If I didn't stop them when I did--

SONIC

Enough, Eggman, enough. I've heard too much. Honor your deal; let's smooth things over between Earth and the Moon Kingdom.

[Eggman sighs.]

EGGMAN

...Fine.

[All except Eggman and Il Palazzo leave.]

IL PALAZZO

Congratulations, you dumbass. When you read a newspaper article, does it say "I was walking down the street one day, minding my own business, wondering what to write for my next article, when I see a man get shot."?

EGGMAN

Well... it would if I--

IL PALAZZO

NO! The headline says "MAN FUCKING SHOT"! You should've explained the secret agenda FIRST!

EGGMAN

But if I did that, I'd spoil the quintessential plot twist!

IL PALAZZO

Spoil WHAT!? AND TO WHO?!

[They both look at the audience... that they see on the next Moon Kingdom commercial.]

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COMMERCIAL

[Tuxedo Mask's greeting an applauding audience on-stage in the studio.]

TUXEDO MASK

And now, loyal convertees, I present the newest member of our cause... The Invincible Iron Man! It's good to have you here, Mr. Man!

[Iron Man's waving to the ladies and young girls in the crowd.]

IRON MAN

Heya! Tony Stark here, ladies!

TUXEDO MASK

Yes, thank you Mr. Stork.

IRON MAN

Stark.

TUXEDO MASK

Whatever, Mr. Zimbabwe. Anyway, I understand that you have benefited greatly from my new book.

IRON MAN

That's right, Tux-boy. Being a playboy, I often find myself surrounded by mountains of beautiful women. Now that I can add the little ladies to my roster of girls, I can...

[The truth comes too late to one Stark...]

IRON MAN

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! What have I done!? ...I didn't NEED a book to pick up chicks! How could I have sold my humanity for a guide on how to chase some young tail!?

TUXEDO MASK

Yeah, isn't it great? What's more, you can actually make them call you Daddy! Hohohohohoho!

[Iron Man fires up the jet boots.]

IRON MAN

I've become everything I've ever hated and fought against! I deserve the ass-kicking Steve's gonna give me!

[He flies off through the ceiling, causing small chunks of the ceiling to fall around him.]

TUXEDO MASK

Hmm...

[He grabs his communicator.]

TUXEDO MASK

Sailor Uranus, you and your troops are ordered to attack The Avengers base.

SAILOR URANUS'S VOICE

Yes sir, King Stud--

SAILOR VENUS'S VOICE THAT INTERRUPTED THE PREVIOUS TRANSMISSION

Your Majesty!

TUXEDO MASK

Yes, my insignificant ho?

SAILOR VENUS'S VOICE

My forces have engaged in battle with a small group of children--

[The masked man's intrigued.]

TUXEDO MASK

Children, you say?

SAILOR VENUS'S VOICE

Yes! Four elementary school children, a young teen male, and... Captain Douglas Jay Falcon!?

TUXEDO MASK

Oh no!!! He's been wanting to bust my ass for a while! Make sure to keep him far, far, FAR away from my ass! I need this ass to, well, have an ass as gorgeous as mine...

[Sounds of violent, Lloyd-like screams and roars pepper the sound of decimated soldiers.]

SAILOR VENUS'S VOICE

King Stud!!! I need backup! I'm not sure how long my troops can--

[She gets cut off with static.]

TUXEDO MASK

...It seems that some amongst the Earth population still resist us. But have no worries, for I will sweeten the offer of submitting to the rule of the Moonies--damn, I mean Moon Kingdom.

[He's smiling like a jack-fuck.]

TUXEDO MASK

Not only will you receive $40 and a child prostitute of your gender choice, but you will receive a second child prostitute for free! Not only will this give you more pleasurable options, you can make your two kiddies put on a sexual display for you to fap off to!

[He pats his groin, and winks. ...GOSH, he's so swell... *end sarcasm*]

TUXEDO MASK

I know that's what I do! And if THAT doesn't whet your whistle, our elite convertees will also receive a `tricked-out' Mazda Sonata at NO extra charge!

[The feed shown on the TV says "Sonata(s) will not be honored."]

ANNOUNCER

♪♫

CD

JOIN!

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