CRONIES: TRY 07

♪♫

They's TRYIN'!

♪♫

They might actually try! (Tryin'!)

Maybe they'll kiss the sky! (Tryin'!)

They'll makes the bad guys cry! (Tryin'!)

Otherwise, they'll just fly! (Tryin'!)

♪♫

New threats, new schemes,

Bigger foes, bigger dreams,

More friends, more teams,

But best of all, this a new theme!

♪♫

Tryin'! (The Cronies, they)

Tryin'! (Think they'll win? We're)

Tryin'! (They got more pals! We're)

Tryin'! (But got more baddies too! They)

♪♫

Don't stop fo' sho, 'cause we on the Go!

This here's the Cronies, we're the ultimate flow!

Sonic, Tails, and the Knuckle, no time to chuckle!

Amy, Rouge, and Shadow, they sure won't get mad--oh!

♪♫

Are you Friend or a Foe, which is it, Dr. Eggman?

Gonna conquer the world wit your friends and yo grand plan?

Don't think that, no way, 'cause the Cronies will say:

"You mess wit' us, mutha-fuckas, you'll pay!"

♪♫

And this goes out to all the scum and the vile,

You think you'll win, since they don't fight for a while,

You mess with Cronies, the power of the best,

You mess wit' them, and you fall like the rest!

♪♫

Because they's Tryin'...

♪♫

DARK FALZ

Double you tee eff!? The fuck is this shit!?

[Bob steps in front of the camera; coincidentially, the lights behind him are bright enough that it overshadows his face.]

BOB

Ach! Listen, lads and lassies! If any of you see Dr. Eggman, tell him we've 'ad dead air for days! People 'ave been moving into his apartment! Children are cheering in the streets!

[Out of nowhere, a tall, ridiculously muscular middle-aged man crashes through the roof of the set. Bob dives out of the way, debris and dust clouds obscuring his view.]

BOB

What in the name o' mother Alba?

[The uninvited guest stands tall. He has gray hair tied in a braid, a mustache, a purple training suit, and an expression that can only be described as formidably cocky. His name is...]

???

Hmph. You don't know me? I am Master Asia, the former King of Hearts, and the Undefeated of the East!

[He strikes a pose as something behind him explodes for no reason.]

BOB

Ach, the boss ain't gonna be happy 'bout this!

MASTER ASIA

I'm here to take over Dr. Eggman's television studio!

BOB

...Why?

MASTER ASIA

Hmhmhmhm... Oh, let us say the doctor and I are good friends.

[He starts laughing madly, starting low and getting gradually louder. Bob can't help but laugh along anxiously...]

BOB

So, wha' will ye be endorsin' exactly?

MASTER ASIA

I'm glad you asked, Jimmy.

BOB

Bob.

MASTER ASIA

Frank. I've come to turn humanity away from its wanton self-destructive ways. Your technology and neediness is destroying nature. REMEMBER, my fellow people, as I was taught once before, that humanity is of nature itself! You all must atone for what you've done to the planet! ...And yes, I'm aware that I'm using television to send my message. So from this day forth, this network will be promoting environmentally friendly products! Such as biofuels!

BOB

Ach, Mr. Asia--

MASTER ASIA

That's Master Asia. I'm not your daddy!

BOB

...um, right. You're aware that making biofuels is more destructive to the environment than using the same amount of gasoline, aye?

MASTER ASIA

Good point. Fine, then. When I'm done, and I've become president of the universe, I'm going to force everyone to use... bicycles and public transportation!

BOB

Aye, sir...

[Meanwhile, at wherever the hell Eggman Nega is...]

MASTER ASIA (ON A TV)

I'm going to force everyone to use... bicycles and public transportation!

EGGMAN NEGA

YOU MONSTER!!!

ANNOUNCER

♪♫

[The Cronies and company have finally reached the end. And like in Phantasy Star Online, they arrive at... a sunny field. At the center is a monument that triggers the boss.]

SHADOW

Oooo, eerily peaceful.

EDGE

...I don't get it. Are you sure this is the right spot? It looks like we could have a picnic here!

SONIC

Just touch the monument already.

EDGE

Um, no?? How about you touch the monument, while Edge waits right here?

KNUCKLES

Knuckles seconds the motion.

[Sonic sighs. But then as he gets closer, he becomes right excited.]

SONIC

I can't believe I'm doing this in person! I'm actually going to fight Dark Falz for real!

TAILS

Sonic, you shouldn't be enjoying this--

[Sonic touches the monument. The serene landscape turns into screaming faces, spinning dark thorns which get taken down by the team in record time, and... Seth.]

SETH

Hey, everyone! You've made it, that's lovely!

[Edge's confuddled.]

EDGE

That's the guy we have to kill? My grandmother could take this loser!

SETH

Well, son, that's why your grandma will be the first to die!

EDGE

What the shit!--

SETH

And now to carry on my duties as the reigning Profound Darkness of the universe! Toodles!

[In a very demonic, fake flesh-rippy scene, the giant demon Dark Falz bursts out of Seth and attacks our heroes. Knuckles jumps out of the way of an energy beam.]

KNUCKLES

Aw, man! More work?

CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER

PRESS THE ADVANTAGE, FRIENDS! FOR THE ALLIAN--

[He gets consumed by a mighty laser, loosing a last cry of death, as his pirate hat drifts to the floor. Sousuke caught the unfortunate sight.]

SOUSUKE

Captain! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

[Dark Falz laughs wickedly and demonically.]

DARK FALZ

And now to absorb all of you into my being!

[It points to Blaze, Rouge, and Karin.]

DARK FALZ

Those three first. Because I hate women!

KNUCKLES

Right on, brother!

[Blaze's annoyed. Without wasting words, she jumps high, and plants a fiery tornado kick in Dark Falz's face]

DARK FALZ

You'll pay for that! Suffer searing LIGHT!

[Dark Falz begins casting Grants, a light spell that cannot be dodged]

SHADOW

Hey, faker, how do we dodge this shit?!

SONIC

We can't.

[Everyone gets hit and collapse, to varying degrees of owies.]

EGGMAN

OW! MY LEGS!

[Dark Falz then performs his soul stealing move, where he shares any damage he takes with one of the people fighting him. He targets Shadow, and a beam of light connects the two.]

SONIC

HOLY CR--EVERYONE! Don't attack Dark Falz yet! You'll end up hurting Shadow!

[Knuckles has that determined look in his eye.]

KNUCKLES

This is my one chance to impress Rouge! And possibly Blaze! ...Let go of Shadow, you friend-stealing bastard!

[He starts pummeling Dark Falz hard, causing significant amount of damage to the villain, as per his cries of pain, as well as--]

SHADOW

OWWW!!!

[Shadow's clutching at his chest, feeling all of the pain that the boss's receiving.]

SHADOW

NO-- STOP-- YOU BASTARD--

[He drops and dies; his soul sticks out as a white ball above his body]

SONIC

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, YOU MORON?! You just killed Shadow!!

SHADOW'S SOUL BALL

Yeah, good fucking going, Knuckles.

BLAZE

It's like he filters out everything except what he wants to hear.

[Knuckles is confused.]

KNUCKLES

What did that soul ball say? I couldn't hear it clearly--

EGGMAN

AAH! MEGID!!

[Everyone starts scattering and avoiding the stray Megid balls, the purple spheres that sometimes cause instant death on contact.  Knuckles did not see what was happening, and one stray, slow Megid passes straight through his body.  He wordlessly collapses. Knuckles's soul pops out of his body.]

KNUCKLES'S SOUL BALL

There we go, Shadow. You were saying something? Me no understanding.

[Shadow has furious ghost rage.]

SHADOW'S SOUL BALL

I called you a dipshit four times over for killing me.  And I'm gonna call you that again for getting hit by that slow-ass attack! DIPSHIT!

KNUCKLES'S SOUL BALL

Well, your mama's fat!

[Shadow's soul ball shakes in disappointment. And while Knuckles and Shadow continue arguing in place...]

[The city is being currently ravaged by two giant pewter dogs, alongside a terrifying giant thimble of destruction. Sephiroth, Xellos, and Aeris are approaching the area, unfortunately catching the attention of the metallic beasties.]

SEPHIROTH

Hm. We need to find some way of distracting those things. Xellos, let's get ahead of them and see if we can make them follow us.  And Aeris, you'll...

[He looks to Aeris, who's looking away from him.]

SEPHIROTH

...Are you still mad at me?

AERIS

Xellos, tell Sephy that he's a jerk.

XELLOS

Sephy, tell your wife that you were wrong and that you're sorry.

SEPHY

Honey, I'm sor--HEY! Damn it, Xellos!

AERIS

Sephy, tell Xellos not to be stupid.

XELLOS

Aeris, tell yourself to think about what you just said.

AERIS

Hmm... that's true. Aeris, thank Xellos. ...Thanks, Xellos!

SEPHIROTH

Stop confusing my girlfriend, Xellos.

[Aeris gets an idea, while she carelessly dodges a laser.]

AERIS

I got it! Xellos, could you make a giant pewter bone for the doggies?

[Xellos stares at her for a moment, then smiles.]

XELLOS

Of course!

[Using his demon priestly powers, Xellos ends up creating a large, story-tall bone.  The pewter dogs that were previously pelting them with missiles, lasers, and pain, start salivating and yipping like real doggies... just as Sephiroth leaps up, and cleaves the giant monstrosities in three, with one slash.]

SEPHIROTH

There. Thank you for the distraction Xell--os?!

[Aeris, standing blankly, is almost ready to bawl her eyes out.]

AERIS

You... you... why did you kill the doggies?! I WANTED TO GIVE THEM A BONE!!

[She starts crying, while Xellos laughs his head off.]

XELLOS

Ho ho, I see where this relationship is going--

[The giant thimble hops past them, heading into the city. His eyes widen.]

XELLOS

By my dark masters! That thimble's skipping over us, and is heading towards that newly-built hotel on Park Place!!

SEPHIROTH

Must've rolled a six... wait, Park Place?! That's where I go GROCERY SHOPPING!!

XELLOS

Hmm... I wonder if we can find a giant finger around here?

[Aeris's smile beams proudly.]

AERIS

You should get Sephy to do it! He's got the biggest finger around!

SEPHY

...You see what you did, Xellos?

[Xellos has a big shit-eating grin.]

XELLOS

Yes, actually, I did.

KNUCKLES'S SOUL BALL

Gasp! My Knuckles-senses are tingling! Somebody just made a boner joke back on Earth!

SHADOW'S SOUL BALL

--MESS YOU UP SO BAD YOU'D HAVE TO--Wait, a boner joke, you say? Was it funny? Ooh, was it about giving a bone to a dog?

KNUCKLES'S SOUL BALL

Dead on.

SHADOW'S SOUL BALL

Awesome!

[Deathly angered, Dark Falz roars violently, sending all the combatants flying.]

DARK FALZ

ENOUGH OF YOUR PITILESS RANTING! NOW YOU SHALL BECOME A PART OF THE ALMIGHTY--

[Eggman's cellphone starts ringing again, to the beat of Funkytown!]

EGGMAN

Hold on one minute, guys, I gotta answer my phone.

[Sonic... just snaps. He snatches Eggman's cellphone, spins super fast in place a la Light Speed Dash, and hurls it towards Dark Falz like the projectile it just became.]



EGGMAN

NOOOOO! My long-distance plan!

[Dark Falz gets hit on the face, screaming in ultimate pain.]

DARK FALZ

AAAAAAUGHGHGHGH!! STILL RINGING EARTH CELLPHONES!! MY ONE WEAKNESS!!!

[Light beams shoot out of the embodiment of darkness, and it finally explodes in a shower of lights. From the head of the defeated monster, Amy Rose lands on the ground with a hard thud! Groaning uncomfortably, she stands up, sore all over.]

AMY

ABOUT TIME YOU SAVED ME, YOU ASSHOLES!!

EDGE

No way! Amy! You were Dark Falz all along?!

[Amy shrieks in denial. Tails, with scanner in his hands, examines the area.]

TAILS

Uh oh... guys, that wasn't the real Dark Falz...

[Sonic's totally choked.]

SONIC

What.

TAILS

Yeah, that's why I didn't say anything during the lines above. Hmm... I sure hope no one edits this out.

[Rouge shakes her head.]

ROUGE

Tails, fourth wall.

TAILS

Oops, sorry! I certainly didn't want to insult our readers' intelligence.

KNUCKLES

Yeah, all two of them!

SHADOW

Dude, fourth wall!

KNUCKLES

KNUCKLES CLIMBS ALL WALLS! ESPECIALLY THE FOURTH!

[Blaze, Edge, and Captain Placeholder all tilt their heads in wonder.]

BLAZE, EDGE, AND CAPTAIN PLACEHOLDER

What...??

TAILS

Anyway, this is all an elaborate set-up of hard-light constructs! There were no gardens, or faces on the floor. And Knuckles and Shadow were just slacking off!

[Shadow glares at Knuckles.]

SHADOW

That idiot kept hurting me, so I just laid down.

KNUCKLES

And I didn't feel like fighting anymore, so I just fell over.

ROUGE

...Of course you did...

SONIC

WHO DID THIS?!

[Sonic, the poor boy, is right livid...]

SONIC

I thought I was actually fighting THE Dark Falz!! HE'S CERTAINLY MUCH BETTER THAN OUR VILLAINS! I MEAN, WHAT DO WE GOT?? SOLARIS?! DARK GAIA?! BLACK DOOM?! ERAZOR DJINN?!!

TAILS

Who?--

SONIC

EXACTLY!! AND ESPECIALLY EGGMAN OVER HERE!!

[Eggman's scratching his ass.]

EGGMAN

Ah, shut up, Sonic! Just be glad I was the big bad in Sonic 4 and Sonic Colors!  AND BESIDES, I'M TRYING TO SHAPE THE WORLD INTO MY IDEAL UTOPIA! And you keep getting in my way! YOU SHOULD BE MY VILLAIN, SONIC, YOU JERK!!!

SHADOW

...Isn't he?

AMY

SHUT. UP!

MASTER ASIA

I remember my greatest accomplishment as if it were yesterday...

[10 minutes earlier...]

KAMILLE BIDAN

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING LOOKING AT FA LIKE THAT!?

FA YUIRY'S BROTHER

I'm her brother. I wasn't even--

KAMILLE

THAT'S STILL SICK!!!  

[The emo pilot of the Zeta Gundam punches Fa's brother.]

FA YUIRY

Kamille!!! He was just giving me my mp3 player!

KAMILLE

MP3 PLAYER!?  DON'T YOU KNOW HOW EVIL-THE-CORPORATIONS-THAT-MAKE-THESE-MP3-PLAYERS-ARE!? THEY-CONTRIBUTE-NOTHING-TO-SOCIETY! ALL-THEY-DO-IS-TAKE-TAKE-TAKE-TAKE!!! THEY-DON'T-RESPECT-THE-WORLD-BECAUSE-THEY-DON'T-SEE-PEOPLE-AS-PEOPLE-AND--

FA

Kamille, stop it! You're starting to sound like you aren't speaking words anymore!

MASTER ASIA

His blood pressure's too high. I'm going to have to kill him.

FA

Wait a second, what!?

[A little under 10 minutes later...]

MASTER ASIA

Hmmmhmhmhm... Emos do not belong in my new world order. MWAHAHAHA!

ANNOUNCER

♪♫

[Ships are docked in the massive space colony orbiting the planet below. Sonic and allies are walking towards the hangars, with groceries and souvenirs in tow.]

SONIC

...Ugh, I don't get it! So if that Dark Falz was a fake... what happened to the real one?

[A cloaked figure appears from nowhere before our heroes, his features masked.]

CLOAKED FIGURE

Yes, Sonic the Hedgehog. What-a happened to-a the real Dark Falz, hmm?

BLAZE

Who are you?

[Sousuke and Shadow train handguns, and Edge bares his knives, at the short-but-slightly-taller-than-Mario mysterious stranger.]

SOUSUKE

Identify yourself immediately!

CLOAKED FIGURE

And-a ruin the fun, Mr. Sagara? ...And-a Edge.

EDGE

Okay, what beef have you got with me?!

CLOAKED FIGURE

You'll all see in due time. So we-a won't-a be doing that just-a yet.

[He snaps his fingers and vanishes in a flash of lightning.]

SONIC

God damn it!! THAT! That teleporting shit pisses me off! Everybody has unique powers except me! I was supposed to be fast, but everyone else is just as fast, and most can fly! And another thing--

[Tails looks worried as Sonic keeps ranting as he goes back to the Cro-shuttle.]

TAILS

Uh-oh, Sonic's ranting again. Let's get him home!

SHADOW

Get his emergency juice box!

[Meanwhile, in a nearby vessel, cloaked from both view and sensor...]

LUIGI

So, any luck yet?

[The Zebesian Space Pirate shakes its head.]

GCJ ON 6

NOTHING YET, SIR.

[Eggboy steps out of the shadows.]

EGGBOY

It appears that my calculations were a little off. Brainwashing has little effect, it seems.

[Two Space Pirates hold up a withered Metroid.]

SARTO MAIBA

We tried weakening him with our Metroid, but--b-but--

AXERON

The subject's too hyper and full of energy! It over-fed and died!

[Luigi's and Eggboy's eyes widen.]

LUIGI

...It... over-fed???

GCJ ON 6

And sexy women become attracted to him.

[In a nearby cage, several sexy women, including Barrack Mother #1/Anzu (remember her?), are smothering Davis, as he's presumably finishing to tell a story.]

DAVIS

--And then I said that there should be more duckies and bunnies!

[Anzu's blushing, basically hanging off of Davis's arm.]

ANZU

Oh, Davis, except for Luigi, nobody has ever talked to me like a human being before! They always just stare at my boobs!

[Davis smiles sincerely.]

DAVIS

Your boobs are nice, but I want to get to know you... here!

[He taps her forehead gently; Anzu swoons as Davis turns to another women, a nondescript supermodel.]

DAVIS

And you, honey! Tell me about your day! And I'm calling you Mittens!

"MITTENS"

Whatever you say, Davis!

[Luigi's balled-up fist starts radiating lightning.]

LUIGI

Get-a those women out of there, they-a embarrassing us!

GCJ ON 6

YES, SIR.

SARTO MAIBA

WE'LL SHOW THEM A GOOD TIME! WINK, WINK.

[Eggboy chuckles.]

EGGBOY

I trust I can leave this matter in your capable hands, Mr. Mario?

[Luigi whips his arm angrily, flashing lightning at a random Researcher Pirate, watching it scatter off.]

LUIGI

LUIGI will do, Eggboy. And yes. Leave it to-a me.

[About an hour later, the Cronies and friends arrive back on Earth.]

SONIC

Well that sucked.

SOUSUKE

Indeed. But we have learned much.

SHADOW

Summarize.

[Sonic gives Shadow a weird look.]

SOUSUKE

Gladly. Firstly, we have learned that Dark Falz was an illusion created by forces unknown. Secondly, these unknown forces kidnapped one of our own, seeking to lure us away from Earth. And lastly... your city appears to be on fire.

[Sonic just now notices that Station Square is in pretty piss poor shape once again.]

SONIC

The HELL!?

[The group walks through the city, eventually bumping into...]

SONIC

Sephiroth! What happened?

SEPHIROTH

PSO demons. Turned out to be hard light constructs.

[Knuckles stares at Aeris.]

KNUCKLES

The only thing getting hard is my p--

[Rouge kicks him in the ear.]

KNUCKLES

CRIKEY! MY BLEEMIN' HEAR-HOLE!

[Master Asia is completely naked, thankfully surrounded by women.]

MASTER ASIA

If you're anything like me, you have lots of sex all the time!

[Bob nods, also naked and surrounded by women.]

BOB

'Tis true!

MASTER ASIA

But having all-natural, wild monkey, 69.9 (!) sex with women and occasionally men all the time, every day, my cock occasionally gets very dry. Not as soft as he used to be. That's why--

[He holds up a green tube of cream with Master Asia's face on it.]

MASTER ASIA

I use my special patented Master Asia Green Tea All-Natural COCK CREAM. For my cock!

[Suddenly, a rooster caws, and Master Asia holds him up gently.]

MASTER ASIA

Here's my cock! I named him Dexter!

[Meanwhile, at Daigo's house...]

DAIGO

Well, it's a lot better than Eggman's tripe. Wait a minute... ...Farah?

[Upon closer inspection, sure enough, Farah is in nothing but a towel, cuddling up to Master Asia, apparently one of the women (and sometimes men) Master Asia has all-natural, wild monkey, 69.9 sex with on a regular basis.]

DAIGO

Oh, this can't be good...

[Meanwhile, on Eternia, a half-asleep Reid answers his phone.]

REID

Hello!? ...mmmgh--Daigo? How's it goin' buddy?? I sleeping! ...SLEEPY!

[He hears Daigo tell him about Farah and Master Asia.]

REID

We'll go huttin' tomorry! Day night!

[He hangs up, then, a few seconds later, bolts to his feet.]

REID

WHAT!?

[Meanwhile, back on Earth...]

MASTER ASIA

--I should know, I make the stuff every day! Aaahahahaha! So enjoy Master Asia All-Natural Green Tea COCK CREAM! For your cock!

DEXTER THE ROOSTER

BUCK-KAW!

MASTER ASIA

And your penis!

ANNOUNCER

♪♫

DRAGON BALL Z ANNOUNCER

Next time, on Cronies TRY...

***

[SIX FISH is no longer six fish in a six-can holder. He's now a six-headed monster with a giant six-can holder/collar of pure destruction.]

SIX FISH

YOU CANNOT DESTROY US, SUPAFLY! WE ARE ANCIENT! WE ARE THE ABYSS! WE ARE TIME ITSELF!!

[Supafly's holding a giant combination sword/gun/tank in one hand, and a katana in the other.]

SUPAFLY

You been' trippin' down this slippin' for too long fish-sixxy, and now the fly been drainin' you dry!

[The two clash in an EPIC CONFLICT.]

***

[As the Cronies and friends talk strategy, Eggman is twiddling his thumbs. Suddenly, he turns around, seeing a tall, angry Master Asia behind him. Eggman tries screaming, but is then taken away in a flash. Tails turns around and notices Eggman is gone.]

TAILS

Where'd Eggman go?

BLAZE

Does it matter?

***

[A letter is found on top of Tails's dining room table. The Cronies gather near it.]

SHADOW

Hmph... It's a letter from Knuckles.  Don't read it.

[Tails picks up the letter and starts reading it.]

TAILS

Let's see... "Dear Cronies members and Blaze, or rather, whoever gave enough of a damn to read this,"--

ROUGE

Which I hope he appreciates!

TAILS

"I have suddenly been struck with inspiration ever since our last adventure.  I have this impending, almost positive feeling, that I will die alone, even with the discovery that I'm not the last of my race after all."

SHADOW

Emo!

TAILS

"With this inspiration, I will create something so grand that I will go down in history! And to obtain this, I have returned to Angel Island, with muse in hand, for inner clarity and solitude.  To make clear, I have taken an ass-load of extension cord (to be on the safe side), a power bar with lots of outlets, and your computer, Tails (assuming that he's the one reading this letter.)  I will return as soon as I'm done.  Love, Knuckles."  

[He stops reading...]

TAILS

That idiot took MY computer?!

SHADOW

What a nerd... Why did he put "love" as his end?

SONIC

There's more! "P.S., to keep me working constantly, I took some of Shadow's porn.  Shadow, you need a better house, and a more selective choice of porn."

[He looks at Shadow oddly.]

SONIC

You had porn?

[Shadow has rage.]

SHADOW

Knuckles broke into my SHACK?!! I'M GONNA KILL THAT IDJIT!!

BLAZE

What kind of "inner clarity" needs computers and porn?

[Sonic throws his hands up, annoyed.]

SONIC

I DON'T KNOW!