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Literature Text
CRONIES
(Transcending History and the World, a tale must be told... a tale of hilarity, hedgehogs, action, egg-shaped men, laziness, cursing, an under-lying plot, crossovers, and absurd battles for the sake of comedic timing and greatness! This is the tale of... The Cronies...)
(Archives of the Past, return to this present day, so that future generations may learn how to love, and laugh, and poke fun once more!! To present yourself in your true form, unlike the mandatory prose that some like Fan-f'ing-fiction.net would impose on you! Be brought to life once more, with a shiny updated layout and slightly less cursing than before!!)
FANFIC RESURRECTION!!
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A triple team production by:
THE TRIPLE PEEPS
Apollo Alexandre, a.k.a. "Grand Master Shoma" (GMS)
Neusa Gaspar, a.k.a. "Judge Neusy"
Carlos Alexandre, a.k.a. "CMA" (CMA)
Judge Neusy: DISCLAIMER: Any characters mentioned in this story that are not the distinctive likenesses of anyone else--including, but not limited to, Sega, Sonic Team, Nintendo, Koshi Rikdo, Sammy, Arc System Works, etc.--were created by us, and may not be used without our permission. All characters and distinctive likenesses not created by us are the property of their respective owners.
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18:20 ICT
MYSTIC RUINS: TAILS'S HOUSE
[Sonic and pals are outside Tails's house, about to test their latest invention that they invented... without Tails. Hilarity will ensue.]
KNUCKLES
Sonic, what were you watching?
SONIC
I'm not sure. Something about the "Chosen of Earth"...
SHADOW
Okay, guys, let's all just shut up for a second and marvel at our latest invention! Behold...
[He pulls off the tarp of some monstrosity of a device]
SHADOW
...the CRO-TAPULT!!!
AMY
Eww...
KNUCKLES
Disgusting.
ROUGE
And we came up with this, because...?
SHADOW
We have to save Tails!
ROUGE
Well why are you all proud of it? We contributed equally to the shitty!
SHADOW
Of course I'm proud! We built this by ourselves, without Tails!
SONIC
Okay shut up about that already, Shadow.
[Tails finally lands before them, looking at the monstrosity before them.]
TAILS
Wow, what the HELL is that thing!?
SHADOW
Well I'm glad you asked, Tails! This is the Cro-tapult!
TAILS
...Do I want to ask what it does?
SHADOW
Yes, because I'm going to tell you anyway! You see, this device fires this giant fully moveable hand! It ignores distance, flying, with it's super-long adamantium cord--
TAILS
Where'd you get that kind of cord--
SHADOW
Don't ask questions, Tails. Anywho, it flies over its target, grabs them, groping them magnificently, and reels them back to us!
[Yamazaki pokes his head from the crane apparatus. ...Yes, from Sakura's class.]
YAMAZAKI
I'm an example!
TAILS
WHAT THE?! You took Yamazaki?
SHADOW
Well...
[YET ANOTHER RETARDED FLASHBACK]
[Japan, outside Tomoeda Elementary; Captain Falcon blows on his whistle.]
CAPTAIN FALCON
Alright, children, let's be careful on those hurdles!
[The F-Zero grand super-villain, Black Shadow, is disguised as a kid, wearing a giant T-shirt and a cap OVERTOP his usual outfit.]
BLACK SHADOW
I'll go first, "teach," and show you the pinnacle of youth!
CAPTAIN FALCON
Go ahead, Timmy Shadow!
[Black Shadow performs the hurdles flawlessly, but then makes a crucial error... as his groin meets with the bar of a hurdle he just couldn't clear, as he collapses to the ground now, holding his crotch.]
BLACK SHADOW
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!
[Lloyd's laughing his head off.]
LLOYD
SCHOOL HERE IS AWESOME!!!
GENIS
Lloyd, that's enough!
BLACK SHADOW
CURSE YOU, HURDLES!!! YOU HAVE FOILED ME ONCE AGAIN--
[Black Shadow is cut off as the Cro-tapult's massive hand grabs him, then yanks him away into the horizon.]
SYAORAN
Well THAT was unexpected.
[As the hand pulls Black Shadow over the ocean, a whale (yes, a whale) jumps up out of the water (yes, a whale), knocks the hand open and eats Black Shadow (yes, a whale).]
[END YET ANOTHER RETARDED FLASHBACK]
SHADOW
The first attempt came up empty. But the second bore fruit!
[YET ANOTHER RETARDED FLASHBACK, SECOND IMPACT]
[Outside Tomoeda Elementary. Yamazaki is talking to the girl that secretly likes him, Chiharu. he's, once again, sounding smarter than he really is, as always.]
YAMAZAKI
Did you know that eggs, turtles, and leaders of ideological organizations--
[The hand grabs him and yanks away.]
CHIHARU
No! He was almost done! Then I'd have had him!
SYAORAN
Okay, now that giant hand is scaring me.
[END YET ANOTHER YADDA YADDA YADDA]
SHADOW
But don't worry, Tails! This time, we're confident we'll save Tails!
[Tails sighs.]
TAILS
Shadow, look at me when you say that.
SHADOW
Sure thing, Tails. This time, we're-- ...OOOOOOOOHHH!!! WHY DID YOU COME BACK!!? WE WERE SUPPOSED TO SAVE YOU!!!
[Sonic goes up and hugs Tails.]
SONIC
OH MY GOD TAILS!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!
KNUCKLES
...Ahem. So Tails, how was your vacation?
TAILS
...Knuckles, don't hide it.
KNUCKLES
OH THANK GOD! I NEED YOUR FOOD AND BOOBY BAR!!!
TAILS
Sonic, let go of me!
SONIC
Sorry.
TAILS
Shadow, this 'Cro-tapult' is uglier than sin. However, I am impressed it found its way all the way to Japan not once but twice! But I'm kind of disgusted that I'm impressed.
[Shadow's all disappointed.]
SHADOW
Stupid Tails! I wanted to save you!
[He kicks the Cro-tapult, which fires again.]
ROUGE
Hmm... I wonder who we'll meet next...
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18:50 ICT
JAPAN
[Edge and Daigo are on the run from Sailor Mercury and her army still. The two are now cornered.]
EDGE
There's no way out, boss! THERE'S NO WAY OUT!!!
DAIGO
Edge, stop freaking out. We have to fight.
[Edge pulls out multiple knives as some of the Moonie grunts charge towards them.]
EDGE
Oh, I never got to tell Akira how I really felt about her!
[He whips the knives at the solders, taking out a couple of them.]
DAIGO
Well done, Edge! You just have to do that two hundred and fifty more times--
[Deadly serious, he looks to Edge all of a sudden.]
DAIGO
What did you say, Edge?
EDGE
IT'S TRUE, OKAY? I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR SISTER!!!
DAIGO
Wait, so, you're not gay!?
[Edge has the anime waterfall tears.]
EDGE
Oh, boss, you don't listen to anything I say! I told you, I'm not gay! It was just a misunderstanding of Three's Company Proportions, okay?
[Daigo's chuckling, not paying attention to what Edge said, while he's pretty much punching goon-for-goon.]
DAIGO
Hey, you rhymed!
EDGE
YOU'RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION!!!
SAILOR MERCURY
Enough of this!
[She charges her attack...]
SAILOR MERCURY
MERCURY BUBBLE... BLAST!!!
[Sailor Mercury fires her shitty little soap bubbles at Edge and Daigo.]
DAIGO
D'ah! It's acidic! WE'RE GOING DOWN LIKE REAL MEN!!!
[The bubbles hit them everywhere, like on Edge's hair.]
EDGE
Actually, no, it's just soap! Oh, it's making my hair fall! Do you realize how long it takes to style?
[The bubbles are also hitting and staining Daigo's uniform.]
DAIGO
Aw no! This is a custom-made uniform! Dry-clean only! It's RUINED!!! YOU BITCH!!!
[Sailor Mercury's preparing a slightly more deadly attack, one that actually links to her Ice-element.]
SAILOR MERCURY
MERCURY--
[The ability gets interrupted as the Cro-tapult's hand grabs her and carries her off.]
MOONIE SOLDIER
Without our leader we are nothing.
[The soldiers turn and walk away in shame.]
DAIGO
NO, WAIT!!! If you need a leader... follow ME!!!
MOONIE SOLDIER L
Hey, you're right! ...We DON'T need a leader! We can STILL carry on the mission!
[Edge narrows his eyes.]
EDGE
Good one, boss.
DAIGO
Let's resume running while they're disorganized! ...We'll talk about my sister later.
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INTRO THEME SONG
by the Cronies (based on S Club 7's S Club Party)
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)
Finally crime-fightin' night
Feelin' kinda good, lookin' alright
Gotta get movin', can't be late
Gonna save the world, we just can't wait (ho!)
Get the feeling (get the feeling)
Beat the people (beat them all up)
Eggman hater (Eggman hater)
Get ready everybody 'cos here we go!
Cronies (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)
O-oh O-oh! Throw your hands in the air
O-oh O-oh! Like you just don't care
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over here
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over there
Tails's doing his dance
Amy's looking for romance
Rouge's getting down on the floor
While Knuckles treats her like a whore (ooh hoo!)
Wanna see Sonic swing
Wanna see Shadow do his thing
Then we got Eggman who will conquer, All of the entire world!
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)
O-oh O-oh! Wave your hands in the air
O-oh O-oh! Like you just don't care
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over here
O-oh O-oh! Cronies party over there
O-oh O-oh! Gonna conquer the world!
O-oh O-oh! Yeah every boy and girl!
O-oh O-oh! Yeah my plans will be unfurled!
O-oh O-oh! Gotta conquer all the worlds!
(Crony girls) Crony boys, make some noise!
(Crony boys) Hey there ladies! Show them titties!
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
[Each Crony member jumps in the air Matrix style and using a Chaos Emerald, they each write out the first letter of their name. (if you saw the actual S Club 7 video, you would understand what we mean) As they go, they unknowingly spell out "STREAKS" and are confused as the song continues]
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Gonna take you down (everybody get down tonight)
Cronies! (there ain't no party like a Cronies party)
Three point one four is pi (two pi R finds circumference yo!)
[Repeat to fade] (Instrumental)
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CRONIES
Episode 11
Horrid! Eggman's Expected Betrayal!
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COMMERCIAL
[Once again, Tuxedo Mask is hosting a commercial. He's trying to sound all regal-like, but he has a crown on his top hat, thus making him look RETARDED.]
TUXEDO MASK
My soon-to-be loyal subjects, your new rulers have something to say! We of the Moon Kingdom are having a special "join us" promo. Each of you who willingly submits to the Moon Kingdom will be sent... forty dollars! And--
[Suddenly, a signal cuts into the commercial, overriding it with none other than...]
EGGMAN
Greetings good people, I don't have much time. ...Don't you hate it when you have wet dreams every night, ruining your perfectly good sheets?
BOWSER
I can relate--
IL PALAZZO
No, Eggman, don't hawk your cheesy wares now! You have to tell the people not to join--
[Static, and Tuxedo Mask comes back on.]
TUXEDO MASK
--nailing her royally in her room, when she was still only fifteen! It was good, drilling an underage girl! But then, Serena's father walked in, threw me out of the house like Jazz from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! Except he followed it up with several shotgun shots!
[He pulls up his outfit, revealing his bare back.]
TUXEDO MASK
That's where I got these wounds from!
[More static, and it's Eggman again.]
EGGMAN
--thinking to yourself "she's so fucking HOT," you CAN'T go to bed and NOT, you know, mess things up! So I invented these things!
[He pulls up some very thong-like underwear with an Eggman insignia.]
EGGMAN
I call them the Eggman Wet Dream Protectors!
IL PALAZZO
No, Eggman, we don't have much time!! Tell the people about GOD!
EGGMAN
Oh, yeah! Don't worry, people, GOD will save you from the unholy tyranny of the Moon Kingdom. ... Buy my Wet Dream Protectors--
[Some more static, and then Tuxedo Mask is back.]
TUXEDO MASK
There, that should fix it. Anywho, now that that's over: thanks to the Moon Kingdom's minimum marrying age of 12, she became my underage fuck-buddy wife. And that's why you all don't have anything to worry about! Remember, forty dollars!
ANNOUNCER
♪♫
Pledge allegiance to--*ksgsgkskgsk* The Moon Kingdom.==================================================
18:35 ICT
MYSTIC RUINS: TAILS'S HOUSE
[The Cronies just saw the previous commercial.]
SONIC
...What the hell was that!?
KNUCKLES
Wow, God himself is gonna help us? Man, that dude can do like, 100+ hit air combos! And he always has an infinite super bar!
SHADOW
Not to mention his divine miracles special moves!
[Rouge looks at the both of them, and is quiet for a moment.]
ROUGE
...You're both retarded.
SONIC
Actually Rouge, lately the news has been talking about God. Take a look.
[Sonic puts up the volume and changes the channel.]
FEMALE NEWS REPORTER
Earlier today, an omnipotent being who calls himself, "The Lord God" saved people from a collapsing building. Here now, we have footage of God and his magnificent voice.
[Footage of the scene is shown, as the booming magnificence of the Grand Omelet Deluxe is seen rescuing people from a building.]
MYSTERIOUS, EGGMAN-SOUNDING VOICE
I am GOD! I have come to save you! Enter through my fingers, and follow the path of GOD! You will exit through my heels! My body is yours, my children. Hail GOD!
SONIC
See? God.
[Tails is not impressed.]
TAILS
You guys, you can clearly hear that that voice is Eggman's. Also, you can clearly see that "God" is a mecha.
KNUCKLES
God's a mecha!?
TAILS
No, Knuckles, that's the point! It's probably just one of Eggman's robots called, oh I don't know, the "Giga Omelet Dish" or something equally stupid.
SHADOW
That may be true, but we can't be certain that the thing IS the Lord God!
AMY
IT'S A GIANT ROBOT!
[Sonic gets spooked a bit.]
SONIC
Gah! Amy, you're still here? Thought you died or something.
[Knuckles's still trying to figure it out.]
KNUCKLES
Maybe... God is about the size of a normal person, and he just likes to get around in one helluva divine mecha--
ROUGE
Excuse me? What makes you think that God is a man?
[Amy gets between the both of them, trying to prevent what we know will be a heated debate that ends in NOTHING.]
AMY
No you guys! Please don't start theological arguments--oh this always ends in ass...
KNUCKLES
First of all, if God WAS a woman, we would be calling him GODDESS!
ROUGE
You know, actresses aren't called actresses anymore. They're called ACTORS idiot.
KNUCKLES
Oh fuck, Rouge, next you're gonna be telling me that Adam was the evil one instead of Eve!
ROUGE
No, I would say that Adam was stupid enough not to think for himself! If Eve told him something, he doesn't have to do what she tells him.
KNUCKLES
So basically you're telling me that I don't have to listen to whatever shit you tell me! Therefore I win. Score one for me!
ROUGE
Knuckles, firstly we were talking about why God is a woman and secondly, females from any species make their children. So if God made Adam, then she clearly is a woman for making her "children".
KNUCKLES
Although I will admit that God made Adam from dirt and breath of life, he did take one of Adam's ribs and made a woman! So you bitches are indebted to the man!
SONIC
Wow, Knuckles actually made valid points and won an argument!
[Rouge then kicks Knuckles in the balls.]
SHADOW
Aw come on, Rouge. Just take one loss.
[Rouge looks sly.]
ROUGE
Oh I don't care about that. That was for the "indebted" remark. I was just giving him his interest.
[Tails's Crony-phone rings.]
TAILS
Well this is new... this isn't any of you, is it?
SHADOW
Phones? ... Oh crap, I've been using my new one as a doorstop!
[Knuckles opens his flip phone.]
KNUCKLES
And I've been using mine as a boomerang! Watch!
[He throws his Crony-phone into the distance and out the window. It doesn't return.]
KNUCKLES
...It'll come back when we need it!
[Tails sighs bitterly.]
TAILS
And I came back because...
[He answers his phone.]
TAILS
Hello? ... Eggman?? Why are you calling me!?
EGGMAN
I have a reason to. Why else would I call you?
TAILS
You're the one who kidnapped me and stuffed me in a burlap sack! Not to mention punching me while I was still tied up in the sack!
SONIC
He did what!?
EGGMAN
Oh, fuck, Tails, that was a few days ago! Just let it go already! Anywho, as you all know, the Moon Kingdom has started attacking and wants to be the all time ruler of Earth. They clearly aren't alone cause, heck, they aren't that damn good to do it on their own!
TAILS
And you want us to be a part of your temporary alliance right?
EGGMAN
You got it. And if we succeed, then you can punch me in the balls--
TAILS
Alright, sounds good!
EGGMAN
...No wait I meant--
[Tails hangs up.]
TAILS
Well, fellow Cronies, looks like we're gonna help Eggman with this one again.
[Knuckles points outside.]
KNUCKLES
Hey guys look, the crane finally came back!
[All of them run outside to the contraption.]
KNUCKLES
Hmm... looks like it didn't have enough power this time around so it went under water for a bit.
[The person coughing up water and gagging on the other end is...]
SAILOR MERCURY
YOU ALMOST KILLED ME!!!
[Shadow grabs a hunk of wood with a nail in it.]
SHADOW
OH NO IT'S A SAILOR SCOUT! KILL HER! BREAK HER LEGS!
[Sonic, being the voice of reason, holds the blood-crazed Shadow back.]
SONIC
No, Shadow, will you calm down? We need her alive to extract information!
[The normally lady-like Sailor Mercury is struggling and acting not-so lady-like.]
SAILOR MERCURY
You will only extract death from me, you pigs!
KNUCKLES
Alright! You heard the lady!
SHADOW
THANK you! We're on the same page for once, Knuckles!
SONIC
NO! Think clearly, you fucks! We need information to win this fight!
[Sonic lets go of Shadow and walks over to Sailor Mercury.]
SONIC
Now lady, we don't want to hurt you. Believe me, we're lazy, lazy people who really just want this all to be over. And we get... agitated when forced to do anything resembling work. Now, just tell us what we need to know, and we'll let you go, okay?
[She spits on them.]
SAILOR MERCURY
I spit at your question!
ROUGE
Lady, if you don't tell us, I'm going to dangle you naked over some angry perverts.
[Sailor Mercury has a flashback in her mind to when Tuxedo Mask and some pals forced her to dance naked for them. (wow, that Tuxedo Mask is a really swell guy, huh? -- CMA)]
SAILOR MERCURY
OKAY! OKAY! I'LL TALK! I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING I KNOW!
[Rouge looks disappointed.]
ROUGE
Aw, I never get to carry out my torture schemes.
KNUCKLES
I'll be an angry pervert if you dangle yourself naked, Rouge.
[Rouge replies by kicking Knuckles in the face in slow motion.]
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THE PAST ICT
THE MOON KINGDOM
SAILOR MERCURY
We had suffered Eggman's rule for too long. He had taken over the Moon Kingdom during Tuxedo Mask's and Sailor Moon's wedding.
--
[Inside the Palace of the Moon Kingdom, at a lavish wedding ceremony... Tuxedo Mask is looking at what were supposed to be his best men.]
TUXEDO MASK
Hey, now that I think about it, those aren't my best men! Where are they?
MYSTERIOUS EGG-SHAPED PRIEST
They are dead, my son.
SAILOR MOON
Dead?? Who are you!?
MYSTERIOUS EGG-SHAPED PRIEST
My dear, my dear, I only have one thing to say. Let's get ready TO GOOOSSSPELLLLLL!!!
[Eggman loses the robes, revealing himself to be armed to the fucking teeth. Literally; he's holding a combat knife in his teeth, and has guns and grenades and various heavy ordnance everywhere on his person.]
SAILOR MOON
What is the meaning of this!?
BEST MAN #1
ALL HAIL LORD EGGMAN!
[An E-series robot breaks out of the best man garb.]
BEST MAN #2
EGGMAN HAIL LORD ALL!
[Ditto.]
EGGMAN
Hmm I got to get that one fixed.
[Two of the Bridesmaids step forward.]
FIRST BRIDESMAID
I'm afraid your little kingdom is doomed!
[She pulls off the dress anime-style to reveal... Il Palazzo?!]
IL PALAZZO
You horrid Moonies will pay for merely being alive!
SECOND BRIDESMAID
We will leave nothing but ruins!
[She bursts out of the ensemble, roaring almost draconically, revealing herself to be... Bowser?!]
BOWSER
Man it's hot in that thing! Did it make me look fat?
EGGMAN
SHUT UP, YOU GUYS, IT'S TIME TO CONQUER!
--
SAILOR MERCURY
After the battle, everyone in the chapel was found dead except the Sailor Scouts and Tuxedo Mask.
TAILS
Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold up. Wouldn't she have the Sailor Scouts as her bridesmaids?
SAILOR MERCURY
Eggman's forces tied us up in the closet.
TAILS
All eleven of you?
[Sailor Mercury nods shamefully.]
SAILOR MERCURY
We did break free, and tried to fight back, but his forces were carpet-bombing the whole kingdom. Eggman even killed Sailor Moon's true mother, Queen Serenity.
--
[In a starlit-field of grass and beautiful flowers, Queen Serenity and Eggman are squaring off. The Queen of the Moon Kingdom's... holding a katana??]
QUEEN SERENITY
You're late, Eggman!
[She unsheathes her blade and throws away the sheath. Eggman, meanwhile, is wielding a katana and a boat oar.]
EGGMAN
Those who throw away their sheathes are lost.
[The two engage in an epic duel.]
--
SONIC
Whoa, waitaminute! How did you know that was happening?
SAILOR MERCURY
...I was watching...
KNUCKLES
Oh, fuck this shit, I'm going to go play Brave Fencer Musashi.
--
[Swords clash valiantly against each other as the benevolent queen of the Moon Kingdom and the crazed egg-shaped scientist battle. Eventually, Eggman finds an opening, and hits Serenity in the side of the head with the boat oar.]
QUEEN SERENITY
Ouch! You got splinters on me! Now I'll KILL YOU!
[She dashes at her adversary, but trips.]
QUEEN SERENITY
Whoopsies!
[Unfortunately, she lands on her sword, killing herself. Eggman's eyes just bug out in shock.]
EGGMAN
OH SHIT! I DIDN'T SEE NUTHIN'!
IL PALAZZO
We're at war, Eggman, we don't have to hide everything.
--
SAILOR MERCURY
Afterwards, Eggman's occupational force moved in. Some thought he would rule fairly, but then...
--
[Eggman's at a podium, wearing a fucking cape, with Bowser and Il Palazzo standing behind him. He looks and sounds absolutely sinister.]
EGGMAN
You Moonie bastards are in for it now. I will rule all worlds I conquer fairly... EXCEPT FOR THIS DUMP! And befitting of a dump, all of Earth's trash will be dumped in this shit hole.
[He laughs, starting softly, then getting crazier and louder. ...At this point it's downright DC Comics Joker scary.]
--
TAILS
Oh. My. God.
SHADOW
Huh... so that's how Eggman solved the Earth's garbage problem. I was wondering about that. "How did he do it?" I asked myself.
SAILOR MERCURY
Weakened and having no alternative, we were forced to follow Eggman's rule. Until, one day...
--
[Moon Kingdom. The Moon. Eggman's robot police keep the general populace in line. Until...]
FAINT, DISTANT, MARIO-SOUNDING CRY
MOTHERFUCKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!
[Children run to their mothers' arms, terrified. Several of Eggman's robots explode.]
SAILOR MOON
Now's our chance! ATTACK EGGMAN'S OCCUPATIONAL FORCE!!!
OCCUPATIONAL FORCE SWATBOT
Stop the rebel forces! Stop the--
[The Swatbots explodes in a blazing fireball.]
--
SAILOR MERCURY
With our numbers, our renewed resolve, and the mysterious Italian cry, we had finally liberated our Kingdom from the clutches of the villainous Eggman.
SONIC
Italian cry...? Oh, way to doom us, Mario!
TAILS
So why did you all only overthrow Eggman's occupational force then? Surely a mere one groin-grabbing Italian couldn't have provided enough distraction!
SAILOR MERCURY
Most astute, young fox-thing. You see, we were assisted greatly by the Triad of Evil.
SONIC
Huh? Aren't they, like, the bad guys?
SAILOR MERCURY
The name is odd, true, but they provided us food, money, medicine, and most importantly troops, Nickelback, and weapons to win our freedom.
SONIC
Nickelback?
[Knuckles punches the ground.]
KNUCKLES
I KNEW Nickelback was evil! I told you guys! I told you guys they were evil!
SHADOW
...It's true, he actually said that.
==================================================
18:50 ICT
MYSTIC RUINS: TAILS'S HOUSE
SONIC
You know what? This is all Eggman's fault! Sure, we can't very well let you skanks take over Earth, but just beating you doesn't solve shit! Eggman will just oppress you again!
SAILOR MERCURY
What are you proposing?
SONIC
Simple! We beat the shit out of Eggman, make him admit what he did, patch things up between Earth and the Moon, and toss Eggman's fat ass in jail!
[Knuckles and Tails get evil smiles.]
KNUCKLES
I like that plan.
TAILS
Me too.
SHADOW
Alright, it's agreed. It's just too bad we ended up with the shittiest Sailor Scout on our side.
SAILOR MERCURY
HEY!
SONIC
Now c'mon, Shadow, that's harsh! Tell me, girl, what CAN you do?
SAILOR MERCURY
Well, I'm a computer expert and renowned hacker--
SHADOW
Tails and Rouge.
SAILOR MERCURY
...Okay, then, my water manipulation--
SHADOW
Well Tails can just whip us up a high-pressure water hose.
SAILOR MERCURY
Um, er, I can invent--
SHADOW
Tails. See? She's worthless. Let's kill her.
SONIC
Now let's be easy on her, Shadow. We can never have enough computer experts. Now put down the gun.
[Shadow's holding his firearm to Sailor Mercury's head with a crazed look in his eye. He sighs and puts it away. Sonic unties her from the Cro-tapult's grasp.]
SONIC
We have your word you'll work with us, right?
SAILOR MERCURY
Yes.
SONIC
Good. Now let's go kill Eggman!
MYSTERIOUS EGGMAN-SOUNDING VOICE
It's really a shame you guys had to hear her story... I really liked you guys... I really did.
SAILOR MERCURY
EGGMAN! I've waited for this day!
[Suddenly, the Grand Omelet Deluxe (GOD) appears, stepping hard and firmly... on Tails's house.]
TAILS
OH C'MON!!!
IL PALAZZO'S VOICE
It's too bad you're taking her side, Cronies.
BOWSER'S VOICE
Looks like Earth's fate rests in our hands!
EGGMAN'S VOICE
Now you must feel... THE WRATH OF GOD!!!
==================================================
COMMERCIAL
TUXEDO MASK
Okay, so it still seems as if despite the promises of free money, Earth still resists us! Not a problem! Tell you what, I'm a reasonable guy. If you join us willingly, I will personally send an underage prostitute--male or female, your choice--to pleasure you in taboo ways that no one but I and a few select others--
[Static cuts in again, and we hear Eggman's voice again, live from GOD. He's still facing off with the Cronies.]
EGGMAN
Greetings, my children! This is GOD! I bring you horrifying news! The Cronies, led by the nefarious Sonic the Hedgehog, have sided with the Moonies!
SONIC
YOU SACK OF ROTTEN EGGS!! TELL THEM THE TRUTH!!!
EGGMAN
NEVER! GOD'S WILL IS ABSOLUTE!
IL PALAZZO
NOW you're getting way too into this, Eggman!
EGGMAN
Shush, Illy! ...My children, the will of your lord GOD is the will to kill the Cronies! DO SO! DESTROY THEM!!!
[GOD lifts its arm to do the Noblewoman laugh.]
SONIC
Okay, that's low, Eggman! WE'RE TAKING YOU DOWN OLD SCHOOL!
EGGMAN
OH, YEAH, JUST FUCKING TRY--
[Static again, and Tuxedo Mask is back.]
TUXEDO MASK
--you're wearing a big enough trench coat, just hold the kid upside-down and they can pleasure you in public unknown to anyone but yourself!
[Bob's still imprisoned.]
BOB
Ach, disgusting! Not even the boss was this bad!
ANNOUNCER
♪♫
Pledge allegiance to--*ksgsgkskgsk* The Moon Kingdom.==================================================
19:05 ICT
MYSTIC RUINS
SONIC
We don't have time for this! We have to work fast, now that Eggman's turned the fucking world against us!
TAILS
What's with all the swearing lately?
[Knuckles steps up "dramatically".]
KNUCKLES
Sonic, I know you want to tear Eggman a new one, but leave him to me. You guys get going. I'll buy you the time you need.
[Tails's eyes light up.]
TAILS
You mean?--
[Knuckles nods and points to his ears.]
KNUCKLES
That's right, Tails. I'm taking your advice. Remember me, guys.
[He runs at the mech in a dramatic fashion.]
KNUCKLES
I'm going... TO TAKE OUT GOD!!!
[As they start to run, Amy looks back.]
AMY
Wow that sounds so wrong.
SONIC
WAA--Jeez, Amy! You're talking so little you're scaring me every time you do it!
[Rouge stops for a moment, looking worried.]
ROUGE
Should we really be leaving Knuckles behind?
[Tails grabs her hand and urges her along.]
TAILS
He'll be okay, Rouge.
EGGMAN
HAHAHA!! This is going to be too easy! Knuckles... GO HOME!
[Knuckles replies... by jumping up and delivering a devastating mech-gut-busting blow to GOD's chest, knocking the mech back a ways.]
--
SONIC
SWEET!! Awesome, Knuckles!
[Shadow looks at the scene from their vantage-point wide-eyed.]
SHADOW
Oh, crap, I have to start respecting Knuckles, don't I?
--
[Eggman's checking the damage readings.]
EGGMAN
WHAT THE FUCK!?
IL PALAZZO
Eggman, what are you doing?! Just smash him! Or tell him to kill Sonic; you said he listens to you!
EGGMAN
KNUCKLES, STOP ATTACKING US AND KILL SONIC!
[Knuckles holds still for a moment...]
EGGMAN
Beauty, it's working!
[...but then delivers another punch to the robot's left arm, causing a chain of explosions to cascade across the metal limb.]
IL PALAZZO
We've lost control of the left arm!
EGGMAN
How?! This... this CAN'T be happening!
[GOD tries to smash Knuckles with its right arm, but the now angry echidna replies by smashing a hole into the hand and running in.]
BOWSER
HE'S INSIDE US!
EGGMAN
WHAT!? Um, er, Bowser, go kill him.
BOWSER
FUCK THAT! HE'S SUPER-PISSED! I'm not going anywhere near that shit!
[Knuckles punches the door to the cockpit open, which hits Il Palazzo on the back of his head. The echidna looks both heroic and crazed all at once.]
KNUCKLES
Eggman...
EGGMAN
...Oh... ...Shit.
KNUCKLES
DIE!!!
[He now goes ape-s in the cockpit, smashing instruments and Eggman with equal conviction.]
IL PALAZZO
Screw this, I'm detaching what's left of my Porsche!
==================================================
19:15 ICT
STILL SOMEWAYS AWAY FROM THE BATTLE
[Rouge looks back, seeing GOD start to break apart and explode. She sighs regretably.]
ROUGE
Dammit, I'm going to have to sleep with him, aren't I?
SONIC
Yup. But right now, we're headed to our alternate secret base.
[Shadow gasps.]
SHADOW
You don't mean!?
SONIC
Yes, I do.
==================================================
19:40 ICT
FORMER INTER-COMPANIONS HQ (A.K.A. FIST THE ANTEATER'S OLD APARTMENT)
TAILS
I can't believe we're resorting to this!
ROUGE
Oh, c'mon now, it's not like they're using it. It's empty!
AMY
Why didn't they sell the place?
SHADOW
I don't know. They're idiots?
[Amy crosses her arms.]
AMY
Smarter than you'll ever be, jackass!
[Shadow whips out his gun, aiming it at a now frightened Amy's head.]
SHADOW
What was that, now?
[Sonic looks back, visibly irritated.]
SONIC
Shadow put the gun away.
[Shadow sighs and pockets his peace.]
SHADOW
Fine.
SONIC
Who gave you that, anyway?
SHADOW
Mail order.
SONIC
Okay... then, where'd you get the money for it?
SHADOW
Tails.
[Tails looks shocked.]
TAILS
That's what you borrowed money for?
SHADOW
I said I'd pay you back! I'll just go to the bank and withdraw a little bit from everyone's accounts.
SONIC
...You mean, stealing.
SHADOW
Well, if you're going to be a Stiffy McStifferson, then yes, stealing! I suppose you're happy now!
SONIC
...NO! Of course not!
ROUGE
GUYS! Let's come up with a plan already!
SONIC
Fine, fine.
[Sailor Mercury mutters something to herself.]
SAILOR MERCURY
Oh my, what have I gotten myself into?
SONIC
Okay, so we have to lay low because the world hates us now--
TAILS
Actually, Sonic, with the WAR going on, we don't have to be as subtle as you think.
SONIC
Well, let's check out the TV and see what parts have been taken over. We can make our way to some areas still under Earth control and recruit allies and whatnot.
SAILOR MERCURY
Actually, I may be able to convince my fellow scouts to team up with us.
ROUGE
Pfft. You're the weakest link. No one's going to listen to you. And honey, that skirt is WAY too short.
[The blue-haired Scout is visibly angry now.]
SAILOR MERCURY
Oh, I'M indecent, Ms. "heart-shaped barely large enough halter top?"
[Rouge gasps in astoundment.]
ROUGE
You bitch!
SONIC
Calm down, let's see what's going on.
[Sonic turns the TV on...]
==================================================
COMMERCIAL
FEMALE NEWS REPORTER
…Some breaking footage of our savior God has been captured recently. Here we can see in an unfortunate state of events, our lord God seems to have perished in a fiery explosion. In a time of world crisis where places such as Latveria, Peru, and the prairie provinces of Canada has been claimed by the Moon Kingdom, we--
[Static cuts in and we see Tuxedo Mask.]
TUXEDO MASK
People of Earth, as you have witnessed, your savior has perished!
BOB
Ach, you daft fool, you dinnae do a thing! But I sure do hope that the boss is okay…
TUXEDO MASK
Now you have little reason to resist us! The places that you can now call your "Moon Kingdom Home" are such places as Latveria, Peru, the prairie provinces of Canada, some of the African countries which have been known to have low viability, and two percent of the Pacific Ocean.
BOB
Two percent? Ach, why would you only take two percent?
[Tuxedo Mask looks ashamed.]
TUXEDO MASK
Well, we still can't get the rest of the ninety-eight because of well... Aquaman. In the water, he puts up a damn good fight!
[Scene changes live to DC-universe Aquaman fighting against Sailor Neptune. And he's seriously T-O'ed.]
AQUAMAN
First these Earth people pollute my oceans, and now the people of the Earth's moon pollute my ocean?! Well they're not going to get away with this!
SAILOR NEPTUNE
Submit to us, Sea-Man!
[She dives in the water to use the surrounding ocean to her advantage.]
AQUAMAN
I think not! GET HER, BOYS!
[Aquaman sics five great white sharks at her. She attempts to attack with her water attacks but unfortunately, she gets torn apart by the feeding frenzy of the sharks. That poor, poor soul. ...Back to the studio!]
TUXEDO MASK
...Her fault for diving in the water in the first place. Damn, there goes one of my troops. Wonder what her lesbian partner is going to feel about this.
[He thinks to himself and speaks out loud.]
TUXEDO MASK
Hmm… she'll probably turn straight. And when that happens, it'll mean sweet, sweet lovin'. Besides, having a tomboy-ish figure around will makes things more interesting!
SAILOR MOON
What are you talking about? I'M your wife!
TUXEDO MASK
Yeah, and it kills me inside. ...Besides, haven't you ever been curious?
BOB
For the love of god man! Just kill me or knock me out so I don't have to hear this!
ANNOUNCER
♪♫Pledge allegiance to--*ksgsgkskgsk* The Moon Kingdom
==================================================
[Amongst the destruction and shattered pieces of GOD, a red echidna stands before it all battered and bruised and breathing heavily.]
KNUCKLES
Well, I did it.
[Knuckles looks around once more and he then collapses face first towards the ground. A small bird flies by and lands near the collapsed body of the echidna. It chirps for him as though it were chirping a sweet song of sadne---]
KNUCKLES
OW! MY FACE! MY FUCKING BEAUTIFUL FACE!
[The bird flies away, frightened.]
==================================================
THE END... for now... again... one more time... BEHOLD, IT IS NOT THE END... oh, wait, it is... psyche!... WE PLAY "PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE PEPPERONI ON THEIR PIZZA" IN DEFENSE MODE!... laughs are hard... our readers were seriously wounded, but the soul still burns... Rah-Rah-Rasputin... When a couple of guys who were up to no good, started makin' trouble in my neighborhood…
Whales don't like Black Shadow... and isn't Tuxedo Mask just SWELL?
Yes, Shadow, you DO gotta start respecting Knuckles, and YES, Rouge, you ARE gonna have to sleep with him. And YES, Aquaman, you gotta use your shark friends to murder the crap out of supervillains in the water.
"Chapter 11: Who didn't see this one coming? Seriously? C'mon now."
And, as always, none of the characters here (save for Bob) belong to us, but to their respective companies.