CRONIES CHAPTER 07

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SHADOW

Wow, it says that two teenagers died horrible deaths due to explosion burns and missing chunks! Crazy kids these days...

SONIC

Um, Shadow, that's interesting and all, but WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT, HERE!

[Which they are. Tails is currently fighting Metabee from Medabots; Ikki is ordering Medabee and Shadow is acting as Tails's "trainer/Medafighter" and such. During this scene, you hear the Medabots battle theme in the background.]

METABEE

Oh yeah! It's time for me to get Meta-busy on your ass!

[Shadow yells into his wrist.]

SHADOW

Tails, move in and kick his ass!

[Tails is beside Shadow, breathing heavily, as he's the ONLY ONE FIGHTING.]

TAILS

Um, I'm right beside you Shadow--

SHADOW

I said KICK HIS ASS!

[He kicks Tails in the butt HARD.  As Tails and Metabee continue fighting, the ancient sound of creaking wooden wheels takes center stage.]

IKKI

Time for the secret weapon! PREPARE THE ERIKA CATAPULT!!!

[A catapult is wheeled out. Ikki's classmate and reporter friend, Erika, is chained and ready to be launched.]

ERIKA

IKKI, I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU LAUNCH ME--

IKKI

Fire the catapult.

[The little girl is launched. Her screaming isn't heard for long, as she flies off into the distance. She flew far above Tails so the catapult was useless; Ikki just wanted to launch Erika. Knuckles just watches her fly by.]

KNUCKLES

Well that's a waste of a loli.

SONIC

Holy... crap! This is taking too long! Tails, throw him onto the street to get hit by a car!

[Tails salutes proudly. He rams the pint-sized Medabot onto the street; Metabee is hit by a fire truck... being driven by Eggman?]

EGGMAN

Hey, guys, look what I snagged--

[He sees the destroyed Metabee, and jumps out of the truck.]

EGGMAN

FUNCTION CEASED! THE WINNER IS... TAILS!

[Sonic, Knuckles, Amy, and Shadow cheer, while Tails breathes heavily, all bruised.

TAILS

C-Can I go home now?

[Rouge gets up from her seat, cleaning a large diamond ring.]

ROUGE

Yay, we're done.

[She pets Tails's cheek and plays with his three little strands.]

ROUGE

I love a man who gives me jewels...

[He blushes, looking at the giant rock of a ring.]

TAILS

B-but I didn't give you that ring...

ROUGE

Oh... ...Then I probably stole it. Whatever.

[Knuckles is extremely pissed.]

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[The Cronies are relaxing at the café after lunch. They're watching the news on the café's TV.]

AMY

So why would Ikki and Metabee go nuts and attack people on the streets?

SHADOW

Low ratings? I don't give a--

ROUGE

Hey, what's that on the news?

[On the TV, a news reporter is interviewing a scared little boy in front of the charred remains of a playground.]

LITTLE BOY H

--Well, the scary man, he challenged us to hop scotch and won because we didn't know where his watch was. Then, he started yelling "penalty game" really, really loud! We were so scared, we ran away! Next day, the playground burned!!!

EGGMAN

NOW THAT'S JUST SICK!!!

[Sonic, Shadow, Amy, Rouge, and Tails all glare at Eggman.]

EGGMAN

IT WASN'T ME THIS TIME!!!

ROUGE

Just like it wasn't you that bombed Tails's house, or conquered the Moon Kingdom--

[Knuckles was reading an issue of Shonen Jump, now all of a sudden scared witless.]

KNUCKLES

Oh my god, it's him...

SONIC

Who?

KNUCKLES

I DIDN'T DO IT! YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT I DID IT!

[Knuckles freaks out and runs out of the café.]

ROUGE

...Wow, was anyone even talking to him?

[Amy picks up the Shonen Jump that Knuckles dropped.]

AMY

Hey, doesn't this scary Yugi Muto kind of resemble who that kid was talking about?

EGGMAN

Hmm... Messed up hair... Millennium Puzzle... manga art-style... yep, we're dealing with Manga Yugi!

SONIC

Manga Yugi? WE?

EGGMAN

Different from the Anime Yugi. This one kills people who cross him. Dead.

[He shows them a panel in the manga of Yugi killing a bully with a test tube explosion.]

TAILS

AAH, that's scary!

SONIC

We need to be ready for this one, guys.

[He looks to Tails.]

SONIC

Tails, make us a helicopter!

TAILS

What?! ...N-Now?--

SHADOW

Call it the Crocopter!

TAILS

Quiet! I'll build it later! Right now we'll deal with Manga Yugi who's at the door!

[The Cronies turn to find Manga Yugi frightening the other customers with his glare alone. Anzu is beside him, kinda shy.]

SONIC

Amy, you haven't been kidnapped yet! This is, like, a record! You might wanna hide so it doesn't happen this episode!

AMY

Yeah, thanks, Sonic.

MANGA YUGI

Ah, the Cronies! I believe today is your day to die!

ANZU

Um, yeah, that's right!

SHADOW

Shut up, you little slave! If you love your precious Yugi so much, why don't you marry him?

ANZU

I don't think he'd--

MANGA YUGI

That will not be happening.

[He thrusts his palm towards Amy; she disappears in a flash of light.]

MANGA YUGI

If you want your little friend back, meet me at the Mystic Ruins near the fox's house. I will be waiting...

[Next, Yugi and Anzu disappear after having a sip of coffee that tastes like Eggman.]

EGGMAN

Sonic, we cannot let them get away without commenting that the coffee tastes like me! Let's go!

SONIC

That was just... I don't even know anymore... C'mon, let's go save Amy before she freaks out and beats Tails again.

[Tails blushes from the prospect.]

TAILS

I didn't mind...

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[Knuckles is all scared and also pissed, as he's looking down at a receipt.]

KNUCKLES

This piece of crap! I shouldn't have sold that piece of crap to buy the expensive piece of crap for that bazonga-licious piece of crap! She makes me SO mad...

[Eggman appears out of nowhere.]

EGGMAN

Hey, Knuckles.

[Knuckles jumps seven feet in the air screaming, as he thought is was Manga Yugi.]

KNUCKLES

GAH! What do YOU want? You trying to manipulate me to kill Sonic again?

EGGMAN

No, that's tomorrow's plan! I'm just wondering why you're so damn scared all of a sudden! Did you do something to Manga Yugi?

[Knuckles notices something on Eggman's wrist, and his eyes widen.]

KNUCKLES

I, um, have to go!

[He digs his knuckles into the wall and climbs up the building. On the rooftop, Knuckles hears his Crony-Phone ringing.]

KNUCKLES

...Oh, yeah, I forgot to leave this at home. Hello?

TAILS

Knuckles, get to my place! You have to help us fight Manga Yugi!

KNUCKLES

Shut your hole!

[He hangs up, then sighs bitterly.]

KNUCKLES

Oh well, time to face my destiny.

[He glides off towards the Mystic Ruins.]

KNUCKLES

Will I die like the rest of my people?

MYSTERY VOICE IN THE AIR

KNUCKLES

WHO SAID THAT? WHO SAID THAT!?

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ANZU

Yugi, do we really have to kill them?

MANGA YUGI

What do I tell you every time you ask that? Besides, I must get my grandpa's watch back!

[The Cronies-Cavalry arrive.]

SONIC

Alright, we're here. Do you want us to kick the living shit out of you quickly or slowly?

[Tails steps forward.]

TAILS

A request, from one intellectual warrior to another: please leave my house unharmed. It's been destroyed by Eggman, by the Hamtaro, and by Tomoyo already. I really don't want to rebuild it.

MANGA YUGI

Out of respect for your various published scientific papers that I've read and enjoyed and used to kill people with, I will leave your house unharmed.

[Rouge, feeling cocky, steps past Tails.]

ROUGE

I'm the one who always saves our asses, anyway. I'll take care of you so we can watch Friends. Bring it!

[Manga Yugi has an evil, evil smile.]

MANGA YUGI

SHADOW REALM BARRIER!!!

[As he says this, a barely-visible barrier surrounds a large area but only has Rouge and Yugi inside; the rest of the Cronies are left out and Anzu, who was clinging to Yugi's arm, was knocked away.]

ROUGE

...Oh, shitters...

MANGA YUGI

This barrier prevents outside interference and will prevent us from harming those not involved in our game. Now, Rouge, what game shall I play with you?

[Rouge pulls out two Master Emerald shards; and tosses one to Yugi.]

ROUGE

At the count of ten, we turn around and place the emerald piece somewhere on our person. After another ten seconds, we turn around and must steal the opponent's piece. First person with the other piece wins. You game?

[Yugi smirks.]

MANGA YUGI

Are those the only rules?

ROUGE

Yes.

MANGA YUGI

I accept!

[Rouge counts to ten, then she and Yugi turn. Rouge hides the shard in between her bountiful bouncies. Yugi simply pockets his shard. Rouge counts to ten again, then she and Yugi turn around and stare at each other.]

TAILS

Ah, I see what Rouge is doing. Coaxing him to play her game, then hiding it in a place he'll be hard-pressed to touch. Rouge is a master-thief; as clever as a fox! ...Oooohhhh, I wish she WAS a fox...

SHADOW

Shut up, Tails! I wanna watch!

[Yugi holds his palm towards Rouge. His palm glows for a moment, then in it appears Rouge's emerald piece.]

MANGA YUGI

Is this your shard?

[Rouge, shocked at the sight, feels for her shard. It is no longer between her jubblies.]

ROUGE

You CHEATER!

MANGA YUGI

Ah ah... Your rules did not state that I couldn't retrieve it from afar, nor that I couldn't use magic. Correct?

[Rouge is now scared, as Yugi's forehead glows with a wicked Egyptian eye on it.]

MANGA YUGI

You lose. PENALTY GAME! HEART OF THE JEWEL!

[As he says this, Rouge gets encased entirely in a jewel. Within, she isn't moving; she's more or less frozen in time, but can hear things. Yugi lowers the Shadow Realm Barrier.]

MANGA YUGI

Thus, you become one with the jewels you most desire. Learn from this, for you will reside there as long as I please.

[Sonic and Tails's jaws drop. Shadow is giddy.]

SONIC

Oh my god, there goes our trump card!

SHADOW

Yeah, man, this is AWESOME!!!

TAILS

Shadow, we're in serious shit, here!

SHADOW

What do you mean? ...Ooooooooh, we're gonna die...

[Feeling confident, he steps forward.]

SHADOW

I WILL BE CAREFUL AGAINST YOU, AND I WILL WIN!

SONIC

Yeah, he's gonna get SO beat--

SHADOW

Hey! SHUT UP!

[He glares at Yugi, speaking in his cool, calm, Sonic Adventure 2 cocky voice.]

SHADOW

I challenge you to a simple game of Operation, Yugi.

SONIC

SHADOW, NO! YOU SUCK AT OPERA--

SHADOW

Huh, bup bup bup--

[He says "bup" everytime Sonic tries to keep talking; next he pulls out an Operation game board from nowhere.]

SHADOW

The rules are as follows: NO MAGIC! You must use the game's provided tweezer-thingies WITH YOUR HANDS to remove all the pieces from the guys body. The first person to get "buzzed" three times WITHIN THE GAME'S DURATION AND NOT CAUSED BY ANYTHING ELSE, including, but not limited to, acts of God, static, interference from the opponent, glitches, MAGIC--

MANGA YUGI

I get it, no magic!

SHADOW

Good. Anywho, first person to get buzzed three times loses! If I win, um, you give back Amy and let Rouge go.

MANGA YUGI

Agreed. If I win, you must play a Penalty Game.

SHADOW

Then it's a deal.

TAILS

Shadow, you KNOW you're not going to win! Let us pray for your mortal soul!

SHADOW

NO! My soul! MY SOUL!

[Yugi puts up the barrier and he and Shadow prepare to play. Yugi goes first; he skillfully and quickly removes the water from the knee with little effort, then gives the tweezers to Shadow, who is slowly regretting his challenge.]

SHADOW

C'mon, Shadow ol' boy... focus--

[Shadow suddenly sneezes and gets buzzed.]

SHADOW

DAMMIT!!!

MANGA YUGI

Buzz number one.

[The game continues and Yugi does not get buzzed once. Shadow gets buzzed again.]

SONIC

Oh, god, he's practically perfect in every way!

TAILS

Poor, poor, stupid Shadow... He should've just played paper-rock-scissors. You have a 33.3% chance of losing. Same chance of either winning or a draw. Easy. That's what I'll try when Shadow fails.

[Back to the match, it's Shadow's turn again. He carefully grabs a piece, drops it, and then grabs it again. EXTREME close-up to the tweezers and the metal. Shadow is sweating; he can see the tweezers getting close and even little sparks starting to form as they approach each other.]

MANGA YUGI

Um, Shadow, you've just lost.

SHADOW

...I see... I guess that I'm RUNNING--

[He skates off, hits the barrier, and falls back to the ground. Yugi shakes his head, as his forehead glows wickedly again.]

MANGA YUGI

And another who runs from his destiny. According to the penalty game forecast, there's a 100% chance of SCALPEL RAIN!!!

[Tails is now genuinely afraid, about ready to burst into tears.]

TAILS

What did he say!? Sonic, I don't want to die!!

[Shadow, tries as he can to run, immediately gets pelted and stung by the torrent of razor-sharp scalpels that dig into his body, including one that flies right into his rear!]

SHADOW

JESUS CHRIST, IT BURNS!!!

[Sonic and Tails run towards the downed Shadow as the barrier and magic scalpels disappear. Sonic picks up a bleeding Shadow.]

SONIC

Tails, I have to get him to a hospital. Keep Yugi busy!

TAILS

Nooooooooo!! I don't want to bleed!

MANGA YUGI

What's the rush, Sonic?

MYSTERIOUS KNUCKLES-LIKE VOICE

I'M the rush, Yugi!

[Knuckles lands and throws a holy cross at Yugi's forehead rather hard.]

MANGA YUGI

Ow ow OW!! OW, that stings! What is this, a cross!? I'm not a vampire, you dolt!

[Anzu picks up the cross, feeling right sad.]

ANZU

Are we doing the right thing, Yugi--

MANGA YUGI

Quiet, Anzu. You wanted this, remember? You don't love the kind me...

[Knuckles laughs hard at the entrapped Rouge.]

KNUCKLES

What happened to Rouge!?

SONIC

Penalty game.

KNUCKLES

...And Shadow?

SONIC

Penalty game.

[Knuckles sees the crying Tails.]

KNUCKLES

...What about Tails?

SONIC

Nothing. I'm near tears myself, watching Yugi decimate us...

KNUCKLES

YUGI! I STOLE YOUR WATCH AND PAWNED IT FOR PETTY CASH! THAT'S HOW I BOUGHT ROUGE'S RING! AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT, THE HO!

[Yugi is now quite enraged...]

MANGA YUGI

You stole it? You sold it!?

KNUCKLES

And quite frankly it wasn't even worth it! But now, I challenge you to a game of Duel Monsters!!!

SONIC

GOD you're stupid Knuckles! Tails, stay here and watch him die!

[Sonic races off with Shadow in his arms.]

TAILS

I-I-I don't--I don't wanna watch Knuckles die THAT bad...

[The barrier appears around Knuckles and Yugi as a card game table appears. The table makes the game's monsters and effects happen in real life. Knuckles and Yugi start playing... and Knuckles is getting creamed. Yugi still has 2000 life points, but Knuckles has 0.5 (yes, half-a-point). And mimicking real life, Knuckles is breathing heavily. In Yugi's version of this game, life points are your actual life, to an extent.]

KNUCKLES

Screw this heart of the cards bullshit! Must... draw... miracle card!

[He draws, his eyes widen.]

KNUCKLES

Yes! YES! ALRIGHT, YUGI, I PLAY, IN DEFENSE MODE, "BASKET OF KITTENS"!!!

MANGA YUGI

What.

TAILS

...Is that even a real card?

[Sonic returns sans Shadow. (hospital, remember?)]

SONIC

How do you get half a life point?

[On the board, Knuckles's kitten basket appears, with cute 'n' fluffy little kittens playing inside and out of the basket. The Basket of Kittens has a ZERO attack and defense. Yugi laughs out loud.]

MANGA YUGI

HAHAHAHAHA! You idiot! What do you expect to accomplish with this so-called Basket of Kittens?

KNUCKLES

Plenty, I'd say.

MANGA YUGI

CELTIC GUARDIAN!!! ATTACK THE BASKET OF KITTENS!!!

[Yugi's monster is about to strike, but then it sees the cute 'n' fluffy little kittens. It tries to attack, but it cannot bring itself to snuff out these cute little made-up-by-a-card-game kittens... so it kills itself instead. GMS has Yu Gi Oh cards so let's see... Celtic Guardian has 1400 for attack and 1200 for defense, so it should die and Yugi should lose 200 life points. Yugi's considerably shocked.]

MANGA YUGI

What is this!? My monster won't attack the kittens? Ludicrous! This is impossible!

[Knuckles is... actually using his head?? Is he a big card game nerd?]

KNUCKLES

HAHAHA! As long as my "Basket of Kittens" is in play, you cannot damage them nor me, because no monster is that cruel! AND I HAVE MORE CARDS IN MY DECK THAN YOU! A COUPLE MORE TURNS, AND I'LL DECK YOUR SORRY ASS!!!

[Tails is getting annoyed by the nerdiness.]

TAILS

Oh my god, SHUT UP!!!

SONIC

Alright! He's actually using his head!

MANGA YUGI

No monster is that cruel? I highly disagree, Knuckles! I play the "Summoned Skull" in attack mode!

[Summoned Skull, a giant skull demon thing, appears with 2500 attack and 1200 defense.]

MANGA YUGI

Summoned Skull, kill those kittens!

SUMMONED SKULL

NUH UH!!!

MANGA YUGI

DO IT!!! KILL THEM!!!

[One of the kittens looks at Summoned Skull cutely and meows. The Summoned Skull strikes himself with lightning and collapses, beaten. Yugi only has 500 life points.]

MANGA YUGI

No!!! How?! I never lose! This is inconceivable!

[Knuckles is laughing arrogantly. Sonic and Tails are cheering.]

MANGA YUGI

Well done Knuckles! I am indeed impressed! Too bad you're going to deck me or have me kill myself. I was looking forward to seeing your TRUE power!

[...And...]

KNUCKLES

Then true power you shall see!

SONIC

...No...!!

KNUCKLES

I play my magic card "Fallen One!" Based on Final Fantasy, it sacrifices the one monster I have in play to drop your life points to ONE!

SONIC

KNUCKLES, NOOOOOO!!! IT'S A TRAP, YA FUCKED MORON!!!

TAILS

...You know, Sonic, this just proves that Knuckles is more heartless than giant demons. They didn't kill the kittens. Knuckles, however...

[Knuckles watches as his kittens meow in terror as they disappear into nothing. Yugi feels the blow and his life points drop to a measly 1.]

KNUCKLES

AND, AS YOU CAN SEE, WITH THAT MOVE, SEEING AS IT'S YOUR TURN AND I HAVE NO MONSTERS IN PLAY...

[He realizes too late.]

KNUCKLES

I just screwed myself.

SONIC

...This ought to be good.

MANGA YUGI

I play Skull Servant in attack mode!

[It's a crappy monster; 300 attack, 200 defense, skeleton grunt, virtually useless.]

MANGA YUGI

Attack his life point directly!

[The Skull Servant waddles up to Knuckles and faggily claws at him.]

SKULL SERVANT

Gweh!

KNUCKLES

AAAAAAH IT'S SO CRAPPY!

[Knuckles collapses, and the shadow barrier dissipates.]

MANGA YUGI

Penalty Game, Knuckles. And for being a worthy opponent, you will receive only the best... CONFLAGRATION!!!

[Knuckles's eyes bug out as he becomes enveloped in flames, running around in circles.]

KNUCKLES

WHY DO I ALWAYS BURN!?

MANGA YUGI

In addition, you will burn internally as well!

KNUCKLES

NO, I HAVE BAD HEARTBURN!

[He runs along Tails's runway and jumps into the ocean.]

MANGA YUGI

Here's a little secret: he only THINKS he has heartburn, even underwater.

[Sonic steps forward.]

SONIC

Tails, you go, I'll challenge him next. If I fail, it's all up to you.

TAILS

N-No, Sonic, YOU go. I think I can win--

[Suddenly, from a smoke cloud, Eggman appears.]

EGGMAN

What about ME!?

MANGA YUGI

Don't make me laugh! You couldn't even fully finish that gay-ass anime me--

[Eggman pulls out two giant machine guns.]

EGGMAN

I HAVE A GAME! DIE, YUGI!

[Eggman laughs maniacally as he rains countless bullets and missiles (yes, the guns had missiles) at Yugi. After all the 'splosions, the smoke clears and Yugi... is gone!]

ANZU

Yugi! YUGI!? Where are you!?

[Yugi appears out of a dimensional gate with a floating thicker-than-usual multi-colored pencil, like something a child would color with.]

MANGA YUGI

Nice try, doctor. PENCIL OF YAMI!!!

[Eggman feels the lightning-fast pencil stab him hard in the chest, embedded halfway in there.]

EGGMAN

...I'm glad that missed my heart!

[He falls back unconscious.]

SONIC

Oh, shit, I guess that's out. ...Alright, I'm next. A game of chess, Yoogs?

MANGA YUGI

Hmph. Very well, I accept.

[Tails slaps himself.]

TAILS

Why--Why do they keep picking games they'll LOSE AT!?

[Sonic bares an unusual smile.]

SONIC

Speed chess? Three seconds per move at max?

MANGA YUGI

Agreed. If you cannot keep up, you DIE.

SONIC

Agreed. No magic.

MANGA YUGI

Understood.

[Sonic laughs as the Shadow Realm barrier perks up again.]

SONIC

HA! JOKE'S ON YOU, YOOGS!!! I'M ACTUALLY A CHESS NERD!!!

TAILS

How come you refuse to play me, then?

SONIC

Well, Tails, I'm a nerd, not a master like you.

[Tails growls in offense.]

SONIC

But my specialty is speed chess!

[Yugi makes a chess board appear from nothing.]

MANGA YUGI

What color?

SONIC

White!

[Sonic makes the first move. Yugi then makes his move--]

MANGA YUGI

[Sonic looks at the board in complete, total shock. Looking at all the pieces, he... cannot find a way to break away.]

SONIC

NO! That's... not possible!

[Shadow suddenly appears beside Tails. He's still banged up, but is no longer bleeding.]

SHADOW

The foulest, most legal play ever... One I haven't seen since my younger days on the ARK. The dreaded one-move-checkmate "Ass Rape" move. I never thought I'd see it again.

MANGA YUGI

As for your penalty game, Sonic, I think that, after I snap my fingers, you'll have to keep moving at a speed of at least fifty miles per hour! I call this game CURSE OF SPEED!

[He's about to snap his fingers.]

MANGA YUGI

If you lose this game, you'll EXPLODE!

[Sonic suddenly runs off at high speed.]

SONIC

AAAAAAHHHHHHSORRYTAIIIIILLLLLLSSSSS--

[He runs into the water, and is running on its surface into the horizon. Yugi then snaps his fingers.]

MANGA YUGI

Back for more, Shadow?

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COMMERCIAL

EGGMAN

Are you tired of so-called psychic phone lines? Well, so am I! Stupid bastards, telling me that my sex life would be vibrant and fun! DO I LOOK LIKE I'M HAVING FUN!? Anywho, call Anima.

[Anima, the Guardian Force from Final Fantasy 10, has a giant pair of headphones and headphone-mounted microphone attached to one of the ears.]

[Anima roars.]

FEMALE CALLER

Hello, Anima! Is my boyfriend cheating on me?

[Anima roars.]

FEMALE CALLER

That son of a bitch! I'm going to go stab him in the eye! Thanks, Anima! You go, girl!

[Anima roars in thanks.]

MALE CALLER

Hey, Ms. Anima! How goes things?

[Anima roars.]

MALL CALLER

My old lady, she won't do anal! Any way I can, you know, convince her?

[Anima roars.]

MALE CALLER

Tell her that it improves her skin's radiance? Wow, Anima, you sure are smart! Later!

EGGMAN

...What the hell?! How do these people understand what she's saying? Anima giving anal advice? WHO WROTE THIS?!

ANNOUNCER

♪♫

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[Shadow and Tails ran inside Tails's house and to the second floor. There, they hear a scream on the hard to reach (play Sonic Adventure 1) balcony above. Tails flies up to find...]

TAILS

AMY! Are you okay?

[He unties Amy, who is, once more, infuriated at her so-called friends.]

AMY

You guys suck! I've been yelling at you for the past two hours!

SHADOW

How did you get up there? I've tried spin-dashing and jumping at JUST the right angle, but I couldn't do it.

AMY

Yugi can teleport.

SHADOW

Oh.

[Yugi appears suddenly.]

MANGA YUGI

So you rescued your friend. But what about the others? And what about my watch? Play with me and win, or DIE!!!

[Tails steps forward bravely.]

TAILS

Paper-rock-scissors!

[Tails plays rock, Yugi plays paper. Tails hesitates.]

TAILS

Um, sorry that's not what I meant! I'll flip a coin! Call it in the air!

[Tails flips the coin.]

MANGA YUGI

Tails.

[The coin lands; its tails.]

Tails: Again!

[Patient, Yugi calls the coin correctly many times in a row: heads; tails; tails; tails; heads; sideways--it landed sideways; heads.]

TAILS

Um, oh, um, THUMB WAR!

MANGA YUGI

Fine, but this is the last one. Lose and suffer.

[Tails loses, of course, because Yugi's thumb shot dark magic at Tails's thumb. The fox-boy falls to his knees.]

TAILS

Fine. I lose. How will I bleed today?

[Yugi holds his palm towards Tails.]

MANGA YUGI

Penalty Game. Curse... of... KNUCKLES!!!

TAILS

NOOOOOOOOOOOO--

[The penalty game takes effect; Tails looks at Amy.]

TAILS

Hey, Amy, wanna make me a sammich? Bread, you, bread. Your boobs are Amy-licious! So, when can I expect to see you naked on my lap?

[Amy slaps him.]

SHADOW

A fate worse than death: Being Knuckles... that's just wrong! I challenge you one more time, Yugi!

MANGA YUGI

Must you? Even I have standards.

SHADOW

Close your eyes.

[Yugi grunts and complies.]

MANGA YUGI

I know you're trying to trick me, but I'm fairly certain there's nothing you can do--

SHADOW

NOW, AMY!!!

[Yugi opens his eyes in time to watch, in super slow motion, Amy's Pico Pico Hammer, in a huge uppercut-swing, collide with and embed into Yugi's groin. Still in super slow motion, Yugi's pupils shrink and his eyes widen as Amy doesn't let up the pressure. Shadow, like a real man would, turns away. Tails, the curse of Knuckles broken, closes his eyes. Knuckles, his penalty game over, climbs to the top of Tails's house and he, too, turns away. The jewel around Rouge vanishes and she falls to the ground.]

ANZU

YUGI!!!

[Yugi opens his mouth as if to speak, but just squeals very effeminately. Then, he collapses, clutching his groin.]

AMY

That's right, bitch. Feel the girl power!

SHADOW

You go, girl!

TAILS

...I'm so sorry, Amy. I acted like... Knuckles...

AMY

It wasn't your fault. I'm still mad at you, though.

SHADOW

That's your weakness, Yugi. You have nothing physical to back that brain power and magic. Train up a bit, and wear a cup! Then you'll SERIOUSLY kick all our asses--

[Tails smacks Shadow in the back of his head.]

TAILS

Idiot! Don't TELL him that! The Fou-lu Theory isn't 100% accurate, but maybe... so Yugi, you've seen the light, right?

[Yugi, still clutching his balls, looks dead furious at them.]

MANGA YUGI

This is FAR from over...

[He disappears, his voice echoing in the air.]

MANGA YUGI'S VOICE

I will return for my watch, one day! And then, REVENGE! HAHAHAHA!!!

ANZU

YUGI, WAIT!

MANGA YUGI'S VOICE

YOU STAY LIKE THE TOOL YOU ARE, ANZU! I SLEEP WITH THREE DIFFERENT WOMEN EVERY NIGHT! ...ooooohhh... But, not tonight...

[Out of left field, a Space Pirate ship comes out of nowhere, opens up its hatch, and Luigi and two different pirates leap down and abduct Anzu, just before disappearing in a flash. Tails watches the ship fly away.]

TAILS

Well that was unexpected.

ROUGE

I wish I could've kept that giant jewel I was encased in...

KNUCKLES

Have you learned NOTHING, woman? And by the way, I gave you that ring. It was a gift.

ROUGE

Oh! You mean, like payment? For all the time I have to put up with you?

[Knuckles sighs in defeat.]

KNUCKLES

I'll take what I can get.

[Eggman, with no more jammed pencil or blood stains, remembers something as he approaches the gang.]

EGGMAN

Hey, guys, check out my new watch! It keeps time rather smoothly!

[Everyone eyes Eggman darkly, knowing full well that this is Yugi's grandfather's watch.]

EGGMAN

...What?

==================================================

[Sonic's still running, throttling down a quiet neighborhood.]

SONIC

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE--I HAVE TO STOP!!!

[He stops and prepares to die, clutching his body so at least ONE part of his body won't leave too many scattered chunks. When he realizes he hasn't blown up yet, he looks around with exasperated relief.]

SONIC

I'm alive? The others must've stopped Yugi! Hurray and such! Hurray--

[He looks around again, realizing that he doesn't recall this neighborhood.]

SONIC

...Where am I?

???

Hi, Sonikku!

[Sonic cocks an eyebrow at one Sakura Kinomoto, who waves at him from her front door.]

SONIC

Oh, wow, I ran far... Hiya Sakura! Got food?

SAKURA

Pancakes.

SONIC

Sweet, I'm coming over.

SAKURA

Okay!

==================================================

COMMERCIAL

[As a guy strums a guitar and sings the Juicy Fruit theme song, several well-dressed rich boys/girls listen to this supposed "catchy tune." Amongst the arrogant rich crowd... is Eggman, Bowser, and Il Palazzo.]

♪♫

Get your skis shined up, grab a stick of Juicy Fruit

The taste is gonna move ya!

Take a sniff... pull it ooouuuuut!

The taste is gonna move ya when you pop it in your mouth!

Juicy Fruit is gonna move--

[Suddenly, two punks grab the guy's guitar and smash it into the fireplace. Despite the rich snob attitude present, this punkish behavior will not go unpunished...]

[Approximately ten seconds later, two broken-legged punks are bleeding and crying and in need of an ambulance, with the three best friends grinning proudly, their work quite complete. Il Palazzo throws a new guitar to the guitarist.]

EGGMAN

As you were.

♪♫

==================================================

DRAGON BALL Z ANNOUNCER

On the next episode of Cronies...

***

RANDOM SPACE PIRATE

DO YOU KNOW HOW TO COOK, CLEAN, SEW, AND TAKE CARE OF A HOUSE OF MALE PIRATES?

ANZU

Hey! Just because I'm a woman doesn't automatically mean I know how to do all that shit! Jeez, it's the 21st century, assholes!

ANOTHER RANDOM SPACE PIRATE

...BUT DO YOU?

[Anzu, after a moment of silence, she hangs her head.]

ANZU

...Yes. I'll start on dinner.

VECTORMAN

Word.

***

[Eggman is playing Slayer (from Guilty Gear X2) in a fighting game similar to the game Eggman played against Sara in the Sonic OAV. Slayer hits Eggman with an instant kill, and bursts into haiku, like his in-game instant kill.]

SLAYER

An Eggman on ice

So many strange happenings

I am the Eggman

EGGMAN

That was so beautiful!

[The screen shows the word DESTROYED as Eggman loses.]

SLAYER

That haiku sucked.

EGGMAN

Why you LITTLE--

VECTORMAN

Word.

***

VECTORMAN

I'm getting a new game! Sweet!

CAPTAIN FALCON

So am I!

SONIC, TAILS, KNUCKLES, AND SHADOW

So are we!

WARIO

AND-A ME!

VECTORMAN

Word... on the PS2... coming soon...

==================================================

THE END... for now...again...one more time... BEHOLD, IT IS NOT THE END... oh, wait, it is... psyche!... WE PLAY "PEOPLE WHO DON'T LIKE PEPPERONI ON THEIR PIZZA" IN DEFENSE MODE!...