CRONIES CHAPTER 06

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[The Cronies, sans Eggman, are taking a leisurely stroll.]

KNUCKLES

Mmmm, the wind feels so good against my dreads. HAIL ME!

SHADOW

Just shut up, dumbass!

AMY

Where are we going, anyway?

SONIC

Like all of my travels, to wherever fate takes us!

TAILS

...To Subway?

SONIC

...Yes.

AMY

I've always wanted to try--

[Amy gets swiped by something mysterious. Knuckles taps his foot impatiently.]

KNUCKLES

C'mon Amy, we're waiting!

[He notices Amy isn't there.]

KNUCKLES

Amy? Where'd you go? I want a sammich, dammit!

[He gets booted by Rouge.]

KNUCKLES

I meant from Subway!

ROUGE

Asshole, Amy's been kidnapped again!

[Sonic sighs.]

SONIC

What else is new?

MYSTERY-A VOICE

You fool! We have-a the Amy!

[The Cronies dramatically turn to see the source of the voice: Mario (holding a struggling Amy), Luigi (giving a strange, psychotic look), Yoshi, Peach, Donkey Kong, and Bowser. Sonic and Mario's eyes narrow at the sight of each other.]

SONIC

You... bastards...

MARIO

And-a now, to introduce ourselves!

TAILS

Um, we already know who you all are--

MARIO

I'm-a the leader, Mario!

[Luigi's doing some kind of... weird... THING... with his hands as a pose.]

LUIGI

I'm-a Lu-IIIIIIII-GI!!!

[Yoshi mocks Akuma by doing his pose, like in Smash Bros. Melee.]

PEACH

I'm Princess Peach! Let's all have a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!

[Donkey Kong grunts like himself, flexing his ape muscles.]

BOWSER

And I am KING BOWSER KOOPA! KNEEL BEFORE MY AWESOME... aw, who am I kidding? I'm just a jerk! Really! I need help!

[He starts crying.]

MARIO

Excuse-a Bowser. He's-a going through-a midlife-a crisis! Anyway, together, we are... "THE CHUMS!!!"

[Shadow's barely containing his glee.]

SHADOW

They're trying to imitate the Cronies!

[The Cronies laugh for a few seconds; Shadow suddenly turns jubilant to BUSINESS TIME.]

SHADOW

But anyway... CHAOS CONTROL!

[Shadow uses his burst of time-bending speed to swipe something from The Chums, and Sonic takes hold of it.]

SONIC

A HA! WE GOT... TOAD!?

MARIO

Keep him! He's-a useless to us!

[The Chums run off. Sonic looks at Toad, who smiles back at him.]

SONIC

Oh, man, you ARE useless!

[He chucks the screaming Toad far off, until we hear it hit something that sounds a lot like Mario saying "Ow!"]

SONIC

All right, I nailed him!

SHADOW

WAY TO GO, TEAM SEGA! WHOOO!!!

[All the remaining Cronies in turn high five Sonic, except for Tails.]

TAILS

Um, guys, they took Amy. AND ran off with her.

[Sonic looks at Tails with narrow eyes.]

SONIC

High five...

[Tails sighs and gives Sonic the high five. The Cronies then decide to make chase.]

SONIC

They have to cross the river to get anywhere! They're trapped!

KNUCKLES

Oh my god, they're heading into said river!

[The Chums begin expertly swimming across the river. Yoshi and Donkey Kong start. Bowser swims with Peach and Amy on his back (Amy stays because she can't swim, and Peach doesn't want a see-through blouse), and he swims like a speedboat. Luigi dolphin jumps into the water and dolphin hops into and out of the river several times LIKE A BIG GOOF. Then, halfway across, he walk-marches along the surface of the lake to the other side.]

MARIO

HEY, LUIGI!! YOU-A MAKING US-A LOOK BAD!!!

ROUGE

Now THAT'S a logic-defyer!

SONIC

Who cares? I'm going after them!

KNUCKLES

Uh, Sonic, you can't swim. In fact, only Rouge, Tails, and I can swim. YOU cannot. SHADOW cannot.

SHADOW

You know, I didn't SAY anything, jackass!

SONIC

Nuts to this! I need a fan girl to tell me I'm cool AND I can learn how to swim at the same time!

[Sonic jumps into the water and disappears from sight. They only see some bubbles reaching the surface around the same spot. Shadow stops Tails from jumping in after him.]

SHADOW

Let's just see how this turns out.

[Suddenly the Sonic game drowning counter and panic-song come up.]

[5...]

ROUGE

Um, someone should save him...

[4...]

KNUCKLES

I want a sammich! [gets kicked by Rouge]

[3...]

[Tails is trying to push Shadow away.]

TAILS

C'mon, Shadow, let me go save him!

[2...]

SHADOW

Oh, shit! I didn't see nuttin'!!!

[1...]

[Tails jumps in and flies out the drowning Sonic, setting said blue hedgehog gently on the shore. Sonic coughs up water; and then a fish.]

SONIC

Tails, you saved me! I could kiss you!

TAILS

No, don't.

SONIC

I almost drowned! [glares at his black-colored counterpart] No thanks to YOU!

SHADOW

Hey! I was running off to... go SAVE... Sonic... the Hedgehog...

SONIC

No you weren't!

[Rouge plays with Tails's three little hairs.]

ROUGE

I love a man who saves his friends...

KNUCKLES

Friends, eh?

[He chucks Rouge into the river with a powerful throw. She screeches in mid-air and splashes loudly, while the echidna wades into the river.]

KNUCKLES

Don't worry, Rouge! I'll save you!

[She's almost back at shore.]

ROUGE

I can swim, you fool--

[She gets picked up by Knuckles.]

KNUCKLES

It's a good thing I saved you from those sea bass, eh, Rouge? Now, where's my kiss?

[She kisses his lips... with her foot.]

KNUCKLES

Wow! So flexible! You know, you can pleasure yourself easily with such flexibility, Rouge!

[He then gets booted into a tree; yes, INTO]

KNUCKLES

OW!!!

SHADOW

Tails, can you convert the Cronari into some kind of transforming half-car/half-boat thing?

SONIC

Be reasonable, Shadow.

TAILS

Give me 20 minutes. But I'm making a new boat from scratch--

SHADOW

PUT WHEELS ON IT!

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[The Chums be chillin' at their secret forest lair, which looks deadly on the outside but is very... pink and yellow on the inside. Donkey Kong is having a conversation with Mario, Luigi is playing Mario Sunshine, Peach is baking COOKIES!!!, and Bowser is on the phone with a shrink's office. Amy, by the way, is tied up to the chandelier, being guarded by Yoshi.]

AMY

Is this how you treat all your hostages/guests?

MARIO

Hmm, more or less.

[Donkey Kong grunts something.]

MARIO

That's-a right, DK! She'll-a need to die!

[Peach comes in holding a tray of cookies.]

PEACH

Who wants COOKIES!?

AMY

I do! But I'm tied up!

PEACH

That's okay! Mario, please get the cookie gun! Then I'll bake a cake for you!

[Mario's already wheeling in the cookie gun as if by anticipation.]

MARIO

Oh no! Not-a cake! That's-a always hell!

PEACH

Prepare for high-speed COOKIES!!!

[Loading the gatling-like gun with fresh baked sweets, Peach unloads confectionary hell, which nails Amy with many cookies in a short time frame]

AMY

OH GOD, STOP!

[Luigi, meanwhile, is all twisted and giggling non-stop, as he purposely and repeatedly kills Mario in Mario Sunshine by drowning him.]

LUIGI

Yes, DIE, I'M-A THE BETTER PLUMBER, MARIO! SUFFER! SUFFER!!!

MARIO

Ever since he's had-a that mansion, he's changed...

[DK grunts.]

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[Don't ask how the Ruins re-constituted itself, along with the rebirth of the beloved house. ...Just go with it, y'all!]

SHADOW

Guys, I have some bad news... Game and Watch is coming back!

SONIC

What!?

[Shadow whips out his GameBoy Advance E-reader.]

SHADOW

In card form!

[He scans in a Game and Watch game and plays.]

SHADOW

This is so addicting... it makes me want to kill Sonic!

SONIC

Huh!?

[Eggman comes out of Tails's kitchen with an entire cooked chicken on a plate.]

EGGMAN

Hey, you need some more chicken!

SONIC

Thanks, I'll make a note of tha--HEY! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE, MOOCHER!?

[He looks around, and there's no Eggman in sight.]

SONIC

Wha--he's gone!!

[Shadow looks at Sonic oddly, as he's suddenly playing Monopoly with Rouge and Knuckles.]

SHADOW

What are you talking about Sonic? Eggman's at work! Remember?

KNUCKLES

Hey, Rouge, you landed on my Boardwalk hotel! It's either two grand or you pleasure me right here, right now!

[He grabs his cannon game piece and motions suggestively with its, um, shaft.]

KNUCKLES

I think the make-out is a discount, Rouge!

[He gets a chair broken over his head... then faints. Tails came in time to see assault.]

TAILS

Hey, Rouge! ...I have to pay for those chairs!

ROUGE

Aww, I'm sorry, sweet-ums.

[She approaches him and plays with Tails's hairs.]

ROUGE

Do you forgive me?

KNUCKLES

Sweet-ums!?

[He grabs Tails by the head, but Tails kicks Knuckles in the groin. He drops like a stone.]

TAILS

Anyways, I'm done!

KNUCKLES

Oooh, let me drive! Let me drive! You never let me drive!

SHADOW

Sorry, you half-literate bastard, but I'm driving!

TAILS

Shotgun!

KNUCKLES

Half-literation? I knows you well I read good!

SONIC

What? Anyway, let's go! Let's get those Chums!

[The Cronies loose a war cry as they get their shit in gear.]

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COMMERCIAL

[Unlike almost every other Eggman commercial lately, this one is actually, kind of, promoting him. He's at his house, shooting what seems to be a normal commercial.]

EGGMAN

I think I know why you people won't join my empire. And if you're wondering about Tomoyo, that little lesbian whore-bitch can bite my nads! I think I can't make you join because I can't send a worldly message around the world on my own! So I've been practicing foreign languages!

BOB

Ach, I'd like to see that, sir!

EGGMAN

Now I'm going to say "JOIN!" in many languages!

First, normally: JOIN!!!

Next, American: Join up, yo!

Canadian: Join/Joindre!

French: Voulez-vous vous joindre a nous?

British: Join up, jolly good chap!

Australian: Yahoo serious, join, mate!

NEO American: Join up, yo!

NEO French: Join, you damn frogs!

Scottish: Ach, join up, laddie!

[Bob shakes his head.]

BOB

Ach, try some more non-English languages, sir!

EGGMAN

FINE! Spanish: yo queiro dos huevos por favor!!!

BOB

Ach, you just said you wanted two eggs, sir!

EGGMAN

All the better! Who DOESN'T like eggs!? Damn Du--

ANNOUNCER

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[The Cronies are shredding some fine waves in the new "Croboat," which is, in fact, a high-tech yacht. Everyone is getting sea sick thanks to Shadow's driving, except for Knuckles, who's stuffing a microwave with Easy Bake cake mixes. The smallish cakes explode, coating the sides of the microwave with Easy Bake chocolate mush.]

KNUCKLES

Who wants MUSH?? Just scrape it off the sides of the microwave!

[Knuckles starts licking said mush.]

ROUGE

You're sick!

SONIC

Ugh, yeah I am...

[He throws up into the river.]

SHADOW

Don't worry, we're probably near the Chums' base! Uh oh, I gotta fix my shoes!

[He bends down, let's go of the wheel, where the yacht hits land, sprouts it wheels, and is tearing through the trees.]

EGGMAN

Hi, Sonic!

SONIC

What? Eggman??

[He blinks a few times, then Eggman's gone.]

SONIC

AAAAAHHH!!! What's going on!!!?

[Shadow finally bends back up.]

SHADOW

There's no Eggman out there Sonic! That's a dead deer!

TAILS

Um, Shadow, have you NOT noticed the tree killing?

[Knuckles points accusingly towards Shadow.]: YOU'RE the reason that Earth's oxygen supplies are slowly depleting, thereby slowly killing the environment! Then again, we CAN breathe in space--

ROUGE

Um, Shadow, Chums Fortress dead ahead!

SHADOW

How do YOU know it's the Chums Fortress--OH JESUS WE'RE GONNA RAM IT!!

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[Mario hears a strange, distant rumbling.]

MARIO

What is that, Peach's-a vibrator? What did I-a do this time!?

[Luigi's still drowning the in-game Mario.]

LUIGI

Die, Mario!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA-A HAHAHA

[He gets hit by the giant Croboat, which rams into, and tears THROUGH the base and sends Luigi spiraling into the stratosphere, screaming like a goof.]

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[The Croboat is, as you may guessed, out of frikkin' control. Panic ensues, as Shadow tries to regain control.]

SHADOW

How the hell do I stop this thing!?

TAILS

Retract the wheels and throw the anchor!

SHADOW

Throw the anchor!

KNUCKLES

Throwing anchor!

[As the Croboat begins to lose speed at a paltry rate, Knuckles ties a rope around himself, secures the other end to the bulkhead, salutes, and jumps overboard, digging his claws into the ground in an attempt to stop THE ENTIRE BOAT. Rouge looks at the actual anchor, right beside where Knuckles was standing, and shakes her head in disgust and shame. The Croboat finally comes to a complete stop.]

SONIC

Wow, Knuckles did it!

[The Cronies all get off the boat to see a bloody Knuckles's bloody knuckles.]

KNUCKLES

Ow, my hands are hurting me! Could anyone hand me some gauze and liquor?

[Tails pulls out his trusty first aid kit, pulls out some gauze, and starts dressing Knuckles's wounds.]

KNUCKLES

Better?

KNUCKLES

Much. So was that their base we passed through?

SONIC

I saw several red coins about, so I'm going to assume "yes."

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[The Cronies arrive at the Chums' partially destroyed base to see an enraged Mario.]

MARIO

You killed-a Luigi, which I have-a no problem with! But I'm-a mostly concerned with-a the TV! I watched-a that TV! What am I-a going to do with the drunken Peach-a amateur pornos?

[Tails steps forward.]

TAILS

Mario, let's make a declaration of peace and watch some Amy/Rouge lesbian amateur videos!

SONIC

I don't agree with it... yet...

[Rouge glares at the little fox-boy.]

ROUGE

WHAT videos?

MARIO

No, never-a you mind! Mama mia! It's-a time to battle!

[Sonic sighs.]

SONIC

It's what I've been waiting a long time for... Very well. Rouge, you take Peach.

ROUGE

Fine.

SONIC

Okay, Knuckles--

ROUGE

Done.

[She's filing her nails after violently beating the shit out of the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom. The rest of the Chums are only surprised at how fast Rouge moved, and not at how badly Peach got 'pwned'.]

ROUGE

Can I go home now?

SONIC

No, keep filing or keep fighting or whatever. Knuckles, the gorilla has a rap crew. And he thinks he's better than you!

KNUCKLES

I'll get him!

SONIC

Tails, take the falling crazy-ass-psycho.

TAILS

What crazy-ass-psy--

[Tails gets chopped in the back by Luigi. He fox-growls and charges into the green plumber.]

[Shadow couldn't stop laughing at the sight of the cheap shot, and of course, he's too busy to notice Yoshi wrap his tongue around Shadow. He gets eaten, then crapped out into an egg which Shadow promptly breaks out of, a horrified look on his face.]

SHADOW

I now know what it's like to go through 'Nam... C'mere, you little shit!!

SONIC

Well, that takes care of Shadow.

[He sees Eggman; again, he's the only one to see him.]

SONIC

Eggman?

EGGMAN

What do you need, Sonic?

SONIC

I want you to take Bowser--

[Sonic doesn't see Bowser anywhere.]

SONIC

Where'd he go? Sorry Eggman, you're going to have to sit this one out--

[Eggman's gone. Sonic groans.]

SONIC

WHAT'S-A WRONG WITH-A ME!? "WHAT'S-A?" AAAAAAAHHH!!!!

MARIO

Oh, so you're not-a the only one?

[He punches Sonic hard.]

SONIC

HEY! I wasn't ready, jackass!

[He kicks Mario in the shin, and thus, let battle be joined! Meanwhile, Amy looks down at the carnage, then looks to the filing Rouge.]

AMY

Y'know, Rouge, instead of filing nails, you COULD be letting me down!

ROUGE

Can't you see I'm busy? LOOK AT THIS NAIL!

[She files even harder, and starts swearing at the nail.]

[Knuckles and Donkey Kong look right intense.]

KNUCKLES

Bring it on, ape-boy!

[DK picks up Knuckles, holds him in place with his feet, and starts "grooming" him with his hands. He finishes a moment later, with Knuckles straightening out his dreads in annoyance.]

KNUCKLES

Are you done?

[DK nods and punches Knuckles quite hard into a wall. He gets back up and charges at DK.]

KNUCKLES

Why, I oughta--

SHADOW

You Akuma wannabe! I'd like to see you pull off some REAL deadly moves!

[Yoshi's eyes start glowing red, then he Akuma-teleports towards Shadow, and, in a bright flash of light, we see a bunch of hit marks. Then Yoshi stands in Akuma's win pose, with the symbol of TEN behind him.]

SHADOW

Alright! Way to destroy that sofa!

[Yoshi notices that he just Raging Demon-ed a sofa. Yoshi is confused long enough for Shadow to send him flying with a carefully timed spin dash. Yoshi flies into the sunset.]

SHADOW

What the--Sunset? It's only three o'clock!

[Tails and Luigi are currently at a standstill.]

TAILS

What are you doing?

[Luigi is doing strange crazy hand movements, dances, and capoeira. He leaps and kicks Tails aside.]

TAILS

Grr... that was just annoying!

LUIGI

Well, bring it-a beeyotch!

[Luigi points dynamically to Mario, who is still caught in fisticuffs with the hedgehog.]

LUIGI

You're-a next, Mario!

MARIO

What?

[Luigi is about to kick Tails again, but Tails anime-teleports, a la Sonic OAV, out of the way. Tails re-appears behind Luigi and tail-whips him into the sky (yes, again). He's flying off and screaming obscenities to Mario as he disappears in a twinkle.]

SONIC

I'd hate to be you, dude. Your brother's whack!

MARIO

Don't-a I know it!

[They continue fighting in a flurry of spin dashes, fireballs, cape swings, and homing attacks. And it's a similar case with Knuckles and DK, as they give and dodge blows.]

KNUCKLES

Oh, you are SO getting hit by lightning!

[He's about to cast Thunder Arrow, but then DK pulls out his (trusty?) coconut gun and starts firing, dodging deadly fruit.]

KNUCKLES

OH, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?

KNUCKLES'S RAP CREW

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DK'S RAP CREW

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[The two rap bands start fighting with each other. DK's Rap Band fights with pansy-ass punching, while Knuckles's Rap Crew... is using guns. The fight is over quickly. Donkey Kong stares in disbelief, grunts out of worry, and pulls out a white flag!]

KNUCKLES

Yeah, you damn well better bow down to your superiors! NOW, BEG!

[DK grunts as if asking a question.]

[Meanwhile, Sonic and Mario are still at it. Sonic anime-teleports out of the way of some fireballs, but Mario matches his blows with his unique plumber martial arts and nimbleness. Suddenly, Sonic thinks he has Mario off-guard and lunges at him with a homing attack, but Mario swings his yellow cape around, which uses Sonic's own speed to send him towards a wall.]

SONIC

Ugh... Oh, god...

[He groggily looks up to see Eggman, standing beside Bowser.]

EGGMAN

You can do it, Sonic!

[Sonic staggers and stands up.]

SONIC

GOD DAMN IT, EGGMAN, AREN'T YOU AT WORK?!?

[He looks around and sees no sign of Eggman or Bowser. Mario approaches Sonic, looking a little worried for you.]

MARIO

Are you-a talking to yourself again, Sonic?

SONIC

OKAY, YOU CROSSED THE LINE!!

[Sonic grabs Mario and gives him "The Ultimate Groin Kick!" (tm). Mario, stunned in place and very much in pain, after ten full seconds, collapses to the ground, groaning in pain.]

SONIC

That's what you get!

[He walks off, then turns around for a moment.]

SONIC

Bitch!

[Mario weakly standing up.]

MARIO

Oh no... we'll-a meet again, Sonic!

[In a giant puff of smoke, all the Chums disappear.]

KNUCKLES

Whoa, nice special effects!

[He glides up to Amy, again, like in the anime, and busts her free from her cage. He carries her to the ground.]

KNUCKLES

Amy, get me a sammich from Subway, please.

[He looks at Rouge.]

KNUCKLES

See, Rouge? I DO save friends! Now where's my blowjob?

ROUGE

Say that again and I won't have anything to blow on!

KNUCKLES

What do you mean-- OOOOOOOOoooooohhh...

[Shadow is throwing rocks and other objects around for no reason.]

SHADOW

Ha! Good riddance!

SONIC

Shadow, the fighting's done!

TAILS

Hey, my hypothesis wasn't correct this time! "The Fou-lu Theory" isn't 100% accurate! Then again, they weren't REALLY evil, just annoying...

[Sonic spies a piece of paper on the ground. He picks it up.]

SONIC

Everyone gather! I found a sheet!

SHADOW

Cool!

[The Cronies gather around as Sonic reads the note]

SONIC

"Dear Sonic, it's me Dr. Eggman! I'm sorry I made you think you were hallucinating, but I have a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why I did those things! You see, my job was to go around and annoy people! Good pay, and there are benefits! I was flying during the afternoon and got stuck in a tree branch, when I saw the Croboat drive by. Curious, I hopped down, and saw you! I said "Hi, Sonic!" But then I got whipped away by another branch. Anyway, I came to the Chums' base to meet my good friend Bowser from college, because, well, it's been a while! When you told me to fight, we both got bored and left, hence why you didn't see me after! But I came back to cheer you on, and we stole some beer money and copped a few feels from the unconscious Peach. Later, I got fired, since I arrived late or something, so I'm going back to conquering Earth and eating Tails's food. See you back at Tails's! Regards, Dr. Ivo Robotnik, aka Eggman! JOIN! JOIN, I TELLS YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..."

[Sonic stops reading.]

SONIC

And it goes on like this for three more pages!

KNUCKLES

Well, that's the end of that chapter!

[He dusts off his hands, with Rouge smiling wickedly.]

ROUGE

Doesn't that hurt?

KNUCKLES

Immensely.

[He then proceeds to scream like a banshee.]

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COMMERCIAL

[Eggman and Bowser are standing outside the Il Palazzo Café.]

BOWSER

Well I'll be. She still stands.

EGGMAN

Let's see how he's doing! I hope he's here...

[Bowser and Eggman enter the posh café to see Il Palazzo at a table having a cup of joe.]

IL PALAZZO

Huh? Well, if it isn't my old drinking buddies! Pull up some chairs! Did you lose weight, Eggman?

EGGMAN

You noticed! Wow, this place is swanky up the shit, Illy! One espresso, please!

[A waitress immediately hands him one, and he drinks it.]

EGGMAN

It tastes like... Il Palazzo...

BOWSER

So, how's your conquering the world one city at a time plan going, Illy?

IL PALAZZO

Well, if it weren't for that foolish Excel, I'm sure I'd be progressing smoothly! But, alas, SOMETHING about her keeps her on my payroll.

EGGMAN

...You actually pay your people?

IL PALAZZO

Not really. You see, Excel wants to screw me, so I use that to keep her on board for free.

[At the barm, the ever-lovable foreign worker, Pedro, is nursing a drink, speaking in his spastic Excel Saga dub voice.]

PEDRO

IF ONLY PEDRO COULD SCREW HIS SEXY WIFE AGAIN IN THE LIVING WORLD!

[Bowser looks at Pedro oddly.]

BOWSER

...You're dead?

PEDRO

I THINK SO!!!

[Il Palazzo's getting annoyed.]

IL PALAZZO

C'mon, let's go to a strip club!

EGGMAN

GOAL!

[The three of them leave.]

PEDRO

No, don't ignore Pedro! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

ANNOUNCER

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DRAGON BALL Z ANNOUNCER

On the next episode of Cronies...

***

LANCE BASS

Eggman, you've got to help me!

EGGMAN

Lance, what's going on?

LANCE BASS

Sephiroth's going to kill me because I voiced him in Kingdom Hearts!

[They both hear Sephiroth's music getting closer.]

LANCE BASS

HE'S COMING!

EGGMAN

I thought you were doing Cloud! Dude, he might've forgiven you, but NOT Sephiroth!

[Sephiroth appears, and unsheathes his sword as his theme music hits it's "

SEPHIROTH

Time to die, Bass.

EGGMAN

...Dude, you're SO screwed.

VECTORMAN

Suspenseful...

***

[Captain Falcon approaches the armored Samus.]

CAPTAIN FALCON

I was thinking, you, me, and sex. Whaddaya say, babe?

[He slaps her ass. He cocks an eyebrow at her.]

CAPTAIN FALCON

Hmm, I'm not dead yet. Something's not right, here!

[He pulls off Samus's helmet to reveal...]

CAPTAIN FALCON

Peach Toadstool!?

PEACH

I'm playing the mean bounty huntress! Tee-hee! Samus is being the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom for a while!

CAPTAIN FALCON

Really?? This I gotta see! If she's wearing a dress, and it's windy... oh, man, BROMIDE MATERIAL!

[He runs off at incredible speed.]

SONIC

This has nothing to do with the Cronies, but it IS interesting!

[He follows after Captain Falcon.]

[Meanwhile, in the Mushroom Kingdom Castle throne room, one Samus Aran is wearing Peach's trademark pink dress; she looks rather nice, except for her pissed off expression and not done up hair.]

SAMUS

Anyone who calls me "pretty" will die.

[Mario walks into the throne room and pays notice to the woman.]

MARIO

Hello, Samus, you look-a pretty to--

[He gets instantly hurled very far by the 'Princess', cued off with a twinkle! Captain Falcon and Sonic arrive to see Mario fly off.]

SONIC

Wow, scary!

TOAD

She's strong! In fact, everytime Bowser tries to kidnap her, she impales him with one of his children!

CAPTAIN FALCON

But without her Varia Suit, she CAN'T kill me now, because she's weaponless!

[He rushes her and lifts her dress up to see black lace panties, making Samus blush a furious crimson.]

CAPTAIN FALCON

AWESOME! So you really ARE going to screw m--

[He gets sent flying after Mario.]

CAPTAIN FALCON

AT LEAST I'LL DIE HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYY--

[Twinkle. Samus now glares at Sonic, who does the correct thing and give her a thumbs-up as he backs away.]

VECTORMAN

Long...

***

[Eggman is... you guessed it, skipping rope. Today, he's on an airport runway in the middle of a busy day. He's jumping rope as planes take off and land dangerously close by.]

EGGMAN

♪♫

♪♫

♪♫

♪♫

♪♫

[He stops jumping.]

EGGMAN

MY GOD! I ACTUALLY MADE IT WITHOUT GETTING HURT--

[He gets run over by a plane.]

EGGMAN

Ooooooh, fuck...

VECTORMAN

Word...

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THE END... for now...again...one more time... BEHOLD, IT IS NOT THE END... oh, wait, it is... psyche!...